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I know my limits

AparnaRC @Wordesse I'm at that age when I click directly on the "Forgot password" button without even trying it once. 8:14 PM · 3/8/21 · Twitter for Android
AparnaRC @Wordesse I'm at that age when I click directly on the "Forgot password" button without even trying it once. 8:14 PM · 3/8/21 · Twitter for Android

Twitter / X
funny tweet password getting old

How job hunting worked in the 60s

sio ... @bestinsio why can't a cover letter be "I want to work here soo bad. Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please" 10:13 AM · 3/8/21 · Twitter for iPhone
sio ... @bestinsio why can't a cover letter be "I want to work here soo bad. Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please" 10:13 AM · 3/8/21 · Twitter for iPhone

Twitter / X
funny tweet cover letter work job interview

I don't know if we're compatible

annika, your close family friend @subtleferret >it's real Ash (Suicide promoter) @HITWOM4N Today 11:39 AM what animal do you think you could take in a fight If you ever want to kill an hour with a Delivered guy ask him what animals he thinks he could take in a fight Oh my god How much time do you have 12:35 AM - 3/3/21 - Twitter for iPhone
annika, your close family friend @subtleferret >it's real Ash (Suicide promoter) @HITWOM4N Today 11:39 AM what animal do you think you could take in a fight If you ever want to kill an hour with a Delivered guy ask him what animals he thinks he could take in a fight Oh my god How much time do you have 12:35 AM - 3/3/21 - Twitter for iPhone

Twitter / X
funny tweet animals dating relationships

Try driving between two opposite lanes then get back to me

mark normand O @marknorm Weird that 'middle of the road' means you're bland or boring, it's literally the most dangerous & exciting place you can be. 9:17 AM · 3/9/21 · Twitter for iPhone
mark normand O @marknorm Weird that 'middle of the road' means you're bland or boring, it's literally the most dangerous & exciting place you can be. 9:17 AM · 3/9/21 · Twitter for iPhone

Twitter / X
funny tweet middle of the road

Next Halloween's best sellers

French Fry Crusted Corn Dogs @Blacknmild T really thought this was two people in French fry costumes
French Fry Crusted Corn Dogs @Blacknmild T really thought this was two people in French fry costumes

Twitter / X
costumes funny tweet french fries corn dogs

They depend on me for the vibes

kristofer thomas @itskristofer turbotax: do you have any dependants? me: i am the backbone of several groupchats 11:07 PM · 2021-03-16 · Twitter Web App 87 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 968 Likes
kristofer thomas @itskristofer turbotax: do you have any dependants? me: i am the backbone of several groupchats 11:07 PM · 2021-03-16 · Twitter Web App 87 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 968 Likes

Twitter / X
funny tweet turbotax tax group chat

Still thinking about that stupid thing I said in third grade

shira has OCD and ADHD @shiraisinspired "ur so quiet" if I talk I will spend years ruminating on what I said 8:06 PM · 2021-03-16 · Twitter for iPhone 88 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 609 Likes
shira has OCD and ADHD @shiraisinspired "ur so quiet" if I talk I will spend years ruminating on what I said 8:06 PM · 2021-03-16 · Twitter for iPhone 88 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 609 Likes

Twitter / X
funny tweet overthinking anxiety quiet introvert

Goals tbh

sweetheart of the rodeo @clownesvanzandt Rasputin had the ideal job which is being a weird guy who just kind of hangs around 5:37 PM · 2021-03-16 · Twitter for Android 1,227 Retweets 69 Quote Tweets 10.9K Likes
sweetheart of the rodeo @clownesvanzandt Rasputin had the ideal job which is being a weird guy who just kind of hangs around 5:37 PM · 2021-03-16 · Twitter for Android 1,227 Retweets 69 Quote Tweets 10.9K Likes

Twitter / X
rasputin russia job

Luck of the IRS

Hormone Monstress. @bexx402 Got my stimmy on St. Patrick's Day. Call that luck of the IRS. 9:13 AM · 2021-03-17 · Twitter for iPhone 16.6K Retweets 1,092 Quote Tweets 84.4K Likes
Hormone Monstress. @bexx402 Got my stimmy on St. Patrick's Day. Call that luck of the IRS. 9:13 AM · 2021-03-17 · Twitter for iPhone 16.6K Retweets 1,092 Quote Tweets 84.4K Likes

Twitter / X
luck of the irish irs stimmy stimulus check

Riddle me this: how do you file taxes?

Austin @adoptedhighway bouncers at nightclubs should ask riddles instead of going by appearance 10:09 PM · 2021-03-17 · Twitter for iPhone 269 Retweets 19 Quote Tweets 4,081 Likes
Austin @adoptedhighway bouncers at nightclubs should ask riddles instead of going by appearance 10:09 PM · 2021-03-17 · Twitter for iPhone 269 Retweets 19 Quote Tweets 4,081 Likes

Twitter / X
funny tweet bouncer adults adulting

We live in unprecedented times

Matt Roller @rolldiggity Fifty years ago, if you wanted to see a picture of a raccoon, you either had to already have it or drive to a library. And raccoon in a funny hat? Forget about it. 3:02 AM · 2021-03-15 · Twitter Web App 22.7K Retweets 473 Quote Tweets 205K Likes
Matt Roller @rolldiggity Fifty years ago, if you wanted to see a picture of a raccoon, you either had to already have it or drive to a library. And raccoon in a funny hat? Forget about it. 3:02 AM · 2021-03-15 · Twitter Web App 22.7K Retweets 473 Quote Tweets 205K Likes

Twitter / X
raccoon funny tweet library nostalgia the past

Hola España

subdaio @subdaio Spain legalized weed and starting 32 hour work weeks. The "American dream" is now to move out the country lol 12:44 PM · 2021-03-17 · Twitter for iPhone 21.6K Retweets 1,644 Quote Tweets 122K Likes
subdaio @subdaio Spain legalized weed and starting 32 hour work weeks. The "American dream" is now to move out the country lol 12:44 PM · 2021-03-17 · Twitter for iPhone 21.6K Retweets 1,644 Quote Tweets 122K Likes

Twitter / X
funny tweet american dream spain

RIP Herbert the Basil

Kellalena @topaz_kell If there was a death row for killing plants, I would walk the green mile. 12:29 PM · 2019-05-16 · Twitter for iPad 175 Retweets 4 Quote Tweets 363 Likes
Kellalena @topaz_kell If there was a death row for killing plants, I would walk the green mile. 12:29 PM · 2019-05-16 · Twitter for iPad 175 Retweets 4 Quote Tweets 363 Likes

Twitter / X
funny tweet plants

Archaeology is a serious science

@Independent A strange creature that tastes like almonds has been dug up in Russia indy100.com/ alexander @whosalexander why the f--- would you taste it
@Independent A strange creature that tastes like almonds has been dug up in Russia indy100.com/ alexander @whosalexander why the f--- would you taste it

Twitter / X
almonds russia excavation archaeology bones skeleton

Scientists plan to shoot massive load of sperm samples onto the moon

they're gonna c------- the moon Översätt tweeten AV The A.V. Club O @TheAVClub 1 d Scientists plan to shoot massive load of sperm samples onto the moon dlvr.it/RvgszL
they're gonna c------- the moon Översätt tweeten AV The A.V. Club O @TheAVClub 1 d Scientists plan to shoot massive load of sperm samples onto the moon dlvr.it/RvgszL

Twitter / X
twitter moon a.v. club news headline phrasing science

Are you ready?

marquis de posade. ... @acczibit We have entered the 2020s [gameshow jingle] the decade when even the youngest millennial will enter their mid-30s and the older ones will scrape 50 Are you ready for [gameshow riff] su*cide more common than home ownership? Because it's coming baby, with giant steps and cold eyes 1:21 AM - Mar 5, 2021 - Twitter for Android 125 Retweets 12 Quote Tweets 828 Likes
marquis de posade. ... @acczibit We have entered the 2020s [gameshow jingle] the decade when even the youngest millennial will enter their mid-30s and the older ones will scrape 50 Are you ready for [gameshow riff] su*cide more common than home ownership? Because it's coming baby, with giant steps and cold eyes 1:21 AM - Mar 5, 2021 - Twitter for Android 125 Retweets 12 Quote Tweets 828 Likes

Twitter / X
acczibit suicide home ownership 2020s millennials

My blood pressure...

@antikirsten literally sitting in my bed with the anxiety levels of somebody being hunted for sport 12:30 PM · 12/8/20 · Twitter for iPhone
@antikirsten literally sitting in my bed with the anxiety levels of somebody being hunted for sport 12:30 PM · 12/8/20 · Twitter for iPhone

Twitter / X
funny tweet anxiety mental health

The 4th time you better make me the CEO

Lil Rich Aka Crash @Crash_The_King Thate jobs that do 3 interviews BI CH if I come the 3rd time l'm clocking in.
Lil Rich Aka Crash @Crash_The_King Thate jobs that do 3 interviews BI CH if I come the 3rd time l'm clocking in.

Twitter / X
funny tweet job interview work job

What if

27 You Retweeted Rainbow Fish O @RAINBOWFISH what if n------ clicked in and out like pens 1:18 PM · 2/10/21 · Twitter for iPhone
27 You Retweeted Rainbow Fish O @RAINBOWFISH what if n------ clicked in and out like pens 1:18 PM · 2/10/21 · Twitter for iPhone

Twitter / X
funny tweet

But is he really sorry or is this another one of his tricks

Conal Pierse @ConalPierse You arrive at a gate with two guards. Guard 1: Halt, traveler. You must solve our riddle to continue. Guard 2: here we go G1: ONE of us only tells the truth. The other only tells LIES. G2: jesus christ, Daniel, I saidI was sorry.
Conal Pierse @ConalPierse You arrive at a gate with two guards. Guard 1: Halt, traveler. You must solve our riddle to continue. Guard 2: here we go G1: ONE of us only tells the truth. The other only tells LIES. G2: jesus christ, Daniel, I saidI was sorry.

Twitter / X
funny tweet riddle challenge truth vs lie