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Thanks Conan

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien Hey things might be bad right now but at least they'l| still be this way for a while.

Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien Hey things might be bad right now but at least they'l| still be this way for a while.

funny tweet conan o'brien uplifting

Thanks but I didn't need to know that

The Old Sword Club @theoldswordclub I just want to remind everyone that while boob armour is in no way historical d--- armour most certainly is.

The Old Sword Club @theoldswordclub I just want to remind everyone that while boob armour is in no way historical d--- armour most certainly is.

armor history accurate

Some memories deserve to fade away

irwin @irwin I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Gopher, Netscape with frames, the first Browser Wars. Searching for pages with AltaVista, pop-up windows self-replicating, trying to uninstall RealPlayer. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.

irwin @irwin I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Gopher, Netscape with frames, the first Browser Wars. Searching for pages with AltaVista, pop-up windows self-replicating, trying to uninstall RealPlayer. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.

90s nostalgia altavista realplayer netscape gopher tears in rain blade runner

moon drunk monster

Lindsey Shmindsey ) @shminsington Throwback to that time I composed a magnet poem about werewolves and it was the deepest s--- I ever wrote. moon drunk monster beautiful and strange howl you /r melancholy question tell me and dread more you which or the answer echo the

Lindsey Shmindsey ) @shminsington Throwback to that time I composed a magnet poem about werewolves and it was the deepest s--- I ever wrote. moon drunk monster beautiful and strange howl you /r melancholy question tell me and dread more you which or the answer echo the

magnets fridge poem werewolves

I'm the second kind for sure

Hannah Berner @beingbernz There are 2 kinds of people when it comes to self care: 1. Takes a bath with a face mask while drinking a matcha tea and lights a candle that smells like heaven. 2. Watches documentaries about people getting murdered and orders their body weight in mexican food.

Hannah Berner @beingbernz There are 2 kinds of people when it comes to self care: 1. Takes a bath with a face mask while drinking a matcha tea and lights a candle that smells like heaven. 2. Watches documentaries about people getting murdered and orders their body weight in mexican food.

self care true crime face mask scented candles food

Tyrannosaurus Shirt

Alice R Fraser @aliterative Interesting fact: t-shirt is actually short for "Tyrannosaurus Shirt" 12:59 AM - Mar 7, 2020 - Twitter for iPhone 1,149 Retweets 47 Quote Tweets 7,089 Likes Alice R Fraser @aliterative · Mar 7, 2020 Replying to @aliterative Because of the short arms. 29 t7 73 780

Alice R Fraser @aliterative Interesting fact: t-shirt is actually short for "Tyrannosaurus Shirt" 12:59 AM - Mar 7, 2020 - Twitter for iPhone 1,149 Retweets 47 Quote Tweets 7,089 Likes Alice R Fraser @aliterative · Mar 7, 2020 Replying to @aliterative Because of the short arms. 29 t7 73 780

t-shirt tyrannosaurus short arms alice r fraser

i feel bad for laughing

Kristin @fencheeks 5 years ago, I quit my job at Applebee's to do comedy. Today, I just started working at that same exact Applebee's. S--- didn't really work out for me 7:45 PM · 2021-05-04 · Twitter Web App 4,260 Retweets 386 Quote Tweets 90.3K Likes

Kristin @fencheeks 5 years ago, I quit my job at Applebee's to do comedy. Today, I just started working at that same exact Applebee's. S--- didn't really work out for me 7:45 PM · 2021-05-04 · Twitter Web App 4,260 Retweets 386 Quote Tweets 90.3K Likes

applebee's comedy fail

great work

Kevin Farzad @KevinFarzad Just wanna give a shout out to anyone who has ever done anything. Really not easy. Great work 9:53 PM · 2021-05-04 · Twitter for iPhone 319 Retweets 10 Quote Tweets 2,005 Likes

Kevin Farzad @KevinFarzad Just wanna give a shout out to anyone who has ever done anything. Really not easy. Great work 9:53 PM · 2021-05-04 · Twitter for iPhone 319 Retweets 10 Quote Tweets 2,005 Likes

funny tweet shout out

Solid argument

lakey lake @laken_babeee don't get a bf, just get a mahogany teakwood candle instead smells good & won't cheat 2:30 PM · 2021-05-03 · Twitter for iPhone 1,287 Retweets 89 Quote Tweets 10.8K Likes

lakey lake @laken_babeee don't get a bf, just get a mahogany teakwood candle instead smells good & won't cheat 2:30 PM · 2021-05-03 · Twitter for iPhone 1,287 Retweets 89 Quote Tweets 10.8K Likes

funny tweet relationships dating

valid af

Simon @DrillKnight i do not identify as a boy or girl, i identify as a nuisance. an irritant. a fool and a problem 10:42 PM · 2021-05-02 · Twitter Web App 6,274 Retweets 202 Quote Tweets 22.8K Likes

Simon @DrillKnight i do not identify as a boy or girl, i identify as a nuisance. an irritant. a fool and a problem 10:42 PM · 2021-05-02 · Twitter Web App 6,274 Retweets 202 Quote Tweets 22.8K Likes

funny tweet identify nuisance

Brain's having a bad day

Ron Iver @ronnui_ Having a headache is so embarrassing, like bro you are the one that decides when things hurt just turn it off 3:35 PM · 2021-05-03 · Twitter for Android 2,073 Retweets 41 Quote Tweets 19.7K Likes

Ron Iver @ronnui_ Having a headache is so embarrassing, like bro you are the one that decides when things hurt just turn it off 3:35 PM · 2021-05-03 · Twitter for Android 2,073 Retweets 41 Quote Tweets 19.7K Likes

funny tweet headache

the last one sounds a bit suspicious

Pitch O @pitchjokes other products made by I Cant Believe Its Not Butter: -F--- Off, It's Mayonnaise -I Hope These Aren't Hornets -You Thought This Was Yogurt? Surprise, Dumbass! -F--- My Ass, Thats Good Peanut Brittle -No One Said This Was Ham

Pitch O @pitchjokes other products made by I Cant Believe Its Not Butter: -F--- Off, It's Mayonnaise -I Hope These Aren't Hornets -You Thought This Was Yogurt? Surprise, Dumbass! -F--- My Ass, Thats Good Peanut Brittle -No One Said This Was Ham

i can't believe it's not butter products food

That's what happens when you fall into the same old dull routine

Melvin of York @MelvinofYork In that Pina Colada song the guy says "I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long" and later says he never knew she liked "the smell of the ocean or the taste of champagne." So this romeo never took her to the beach or drank champagne with her but whines that HE'S bored 8:13 PM · 4/24/21 · Twitter Web App

Melvin of York @MelvinofYork In that Pina Colada song the guy says "I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long" and later says he never knew she liked "the smell of the ocean or the taste of champagne." So this romeo never took her to the beach or drank champagne with her but whines that HE'S bored 8:13 PM · 4/24/21 · Twitter Web App

pina colada song lyrics

Twitter Art Police

This creates an unrealistic standard of beauty.

This creates an unrealistic standard of beauty.

twitter blue checkmark futurama 20th century fox

Olympics ban BLM

Ben Crump O @AttorneyCrump May 5 The Olympics will now BAN any athlete who wears a BLM shirt, kneels during the national anthem or raises a fist to oppose racism. This sends the WRONG message about basic human rights & I urge the Olympic Committee to reverse this decision! Olympics bans 'Black Lives Matter' apparel, could punish athletes for s. The Olympics continue to ban athlete protests and could punish athletes who choose to protest anyway. That means raising a fist or kneeling . S wtrf.com 1.2K t7 6.6K 14.2K

Ben Crump O @AttorneyCrump May 5 The Olympics will now BAN any athlete who wears a BLM shirt, kneels during the national anthem or raises a fist to oppose racism. This sends the WRONG message about basic human rights & I urge the Olympic Committee to reverse this decision! Olympics bans 'Black Lives Matter' apparel, could punish athletes for s. The Olympics continue to ban athlete protests and could punish athletes who choose to protest anyway. That means raising a fist or kneeling . S wtrf.com 1.2K t7 6.6K 14.2K

I always hated doing that

Marina Ayano K @even_kei Kids these days will never know the hardships of each week having to overcook a fresh hardboiled egg yolk for the computer mouse C1 10:18 AM - 5/21/20 - Twitter Web App

Marina Ayano K @even_kei Kids these days will never know the hardships of each week having to overcook a fresh hardboiled egg yolk for the computer mouse C1 10:18 AM - 5/21/20 - Twitter Web App

prank nostalgia humor computer mouse egg

You took it too far

Nikki Valentine 2 d are "chad" and "soyjack" in the room with us right now?

Nikki Valentine 2 d are "chad" and "soyjack" in the room with us right now?

chad soyjack therapy psychiatrist

That does sound good

David Dunkovich @DavidDunkovich Igotta get this off my chest. I accidentally served a lady spinach artichoke dip thinking it was broccoli & cheddar soup. she ate the whole thing and said it was one of her favorite soups she's ever had

David Dunkovich @DavidDunkovich Igotta get this off my chest. I accidentally served a lady spinach artichoke dip thinking it was broccoli & cheddar soup. she ate the whole thing and said it was one of her favorite soups she's ever had

mistake accident spinach artichoke broccoli cheddar soup dip

Thinking long term

Amanda B @amandajpanda DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad. Me:I am mad. DMV Lady: But you'll look mad on here for 5 years. Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

Amanda B @amandajpanda DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad. Me:I am mad. DMV Lady: But you'll look mad on here for 5 years. Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

funny tweet dmv photo driver license

EU vs US

Samuel Pollen @samuel_pollen European out-of-offices: "I'm away camping for the summer. Email again in September" American out-of-offices: "I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime"

Samuel Pollen @samuel_pollen European out-of-offices: "I'm away camping for the summer. Email again in September" American out-of-offices: "I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime"

out of office work job europe usa america