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Anon used a bible as toilet paper and it spiraled into his life ruined and ended with him regaining it. (We have to bring this back, trust me it's worth the read.) | /r/Greentext

True anon stories > Greentexted > Me, 17. > At friend's house, playing video games and hanging out > Have to s--- really bad > It's taco bell s---- > The kind that are really greasy. and takes forever to wipe > Like, 16 t. of TP and leaving streaks the whole way through > Say BRB and hit the bathroom > Start releasing the colon-ctuhlhu a fraction of a sec before my ass ham-slapped the toilet seat > Sweet relief. > Reach for TP, saw roll was all used up. > Look around. no TP. Anywhere. > Stranded on the 1st floor of his house without a single square. > Too awkward to yeli for help > Look around for alternative wipe ammo > 2 things: > His dad's new car mag > And his mom's bible O Anonymous (ID KIW6MMP2) 02/10/13(Sun)15:00:31 No. 457541705 Replies: 22457542424 2457543712 245754S795 »457567096 > Faced with an ultimatum > Dad's huge, loves cars, and prone to aggressiveness > Mom's a sweet lady, very small and soft-spoken. would feel heavy bad if I did that to her > Dad could kick my ass > Also, doesn't give a damn about religion >I rip a few pages from the middie of the old testanent > Christians dont read that s--- > Paper is thin, getting lots of papercuts in my ass crack > 10 pages later, Im clean > Pulling up pants when a seond wave hit > Don't even have time to flush toilet. > Poo lasagna mode engaged > After 3rd round, I sat for another 20 min just to make sure everything was out By now my friend is outside the door asking if I'm OK > Just say l be out in a few, just passing some used burritos > Clean myself up for the 4th and final time > By now, about 1/4 of the old testament was noticeably gone > Toilet has more in it than his plumbing can handle > After 3rd round,I sat for another 20 min just to make sure everything was out > By now my friend is outside the door asking if I'm OK > Just say lil be out in a few just passing some used burritos > Clean myself up for the 4th and final time > By now, about 1/4 of the old testament was noticeably gone > Toilet has more in st than his plumbing can handle > Have to act fast, he's outside the door > Tried plunging, but there's too much paper > This time I make sure there's some antibacteriai soap by the sink > Hands can be washed > Roll up sleeves and reach into toilet to start hand-pulping the solid mass > as I'm on my knees processing the Purina Romney Chow. >I notice the full roll of toilet paper that was sitting on the toilet backing the whole time > wtfdidijustdo jpg > fush toilet with elbow, starts over flowing > half-pages of old testament smeared with s--- scattering across the floor > rip the lid off the tower desperately trying to unstick the cheap-ass plumbing > tank empties and something I did f----- it up > Toilet starts making really loud gurgly chainsaw sound > Friend starts pounding on door yelling, what am i doing > Over the span of 40 seconds, the sound gets louder and deeper tums into a grinding sound wearing down, then stops whole time in shock with my s--- covered hands on my forehead > friend kicks down door, yelling > Stops mid sentence, staring at me > Im wide eyed, smeared with s--- on my face and hands > there's some on my jeans > heavily brown tinted water and soggy pages of old testament coating the floor > mom's bible sitting forgotten on floor, soaked with s--- water > By now, I hear his parent's footsteps coming down the hall > Friend is standing there stanng, doesn't know what to do > His mom comes in, shocked, starts tearing up and whimpering a bit > "My grandmother gave me that bibie a month before she died of cancer" > His dad comes in a few seconds later > Shocked, but sees the bible pages and starts laughing > Starts walking away, still laughing > He screams at the end of the hall way > "Anon, you are F-----" > Friend's mom starts wailing and crying > Why did you do that, anon?" > Over and over, hysterical >I start crying too, but I look like a p----- off baboon when I cry > She thinks I'm sneering at her and walks away crying harder >I hear his dad cracking a beer in the kitchen >I tum to friend and say "look, I can- > Punched me in the face, cheekbone stinging > Grabs me by the hood of my jacket and forces me out of his house > See his mom bawling and picking up a phone as we pass > Out on street, a mile from my house, no ride, covered in s--- and paper >I start walking back to my house > 30 min later, a lady stops and asks > Lady starts driving > Get self conscious about the s--- drying on me > She's making small talk >A minute later she smells the s--- stank and looks at me > She pulls over to the side hard, my head hits the window > She starts screaming at me in Chinese, gesturing for me to get out > Yeah, she was asian, but she had perfect new englad accent, surprised the s--- out of me > Get out of car > Later, a fat guy in a pickup truck asked where I was going > Offered to let me hop in the cargo bed > Get ride home > Sneak past parents and take shower > Try to call friend over and over to explain myself, no answer > 4th try, my friend answered and screamed at me to stop, then hung up > Over next week, I notice neighbors and classmates looking at me a lot > Start hearing "mom hater", "satan boy" and "Ass Testament" behind my back need a ride, I get in > Nicknames spread through school like wild fire > Younger kids ve never talked to and barely ever looked at coming up to me and saying them to my face > One of my closest female friends who is christian got distant and eventually stopped talking with me > Story gets to the teachers, a few days later I get called into principal's office > Superintendant is there > Tells me they're expelling me for "gross ridicule of religious beliefs" > Mom and dad find out > Mom starts acting weird around me > More tense, looks at me a lot > Feels like she thinks she doesn't know me > Dad thinks I'm just being deviant and I need strict structure and reform > 2 hours later, he's on the phone with and army recruiter, volunteering me for boot camp > Fast forward to bootcamp > It's alright at first > First couple days were sore but à few days in, my body starts going with it > One day I get a package from some anon's at my old school > It was a stack of pictures of me. photoshopped to look like I was wiping my ass with a bible > On the back of each picture there's a nickname > Overly curious guy comes over and takes them from me >A few minutes later whole barracks is sharing the pictures and laughing their asses off >A couple of them even found out my friend's email and asked for the story > Later, I notice one of the other guys looking at me a lot >I find out he comes from an ultra-conservative family and he hates me for what I did > He bumps into me later and I try to make small talk > When no one else was listening. he told me that if we were ever > Start noticing the drill seargents singling me out > Orne day we start training with live ammo combat, he would shoot me and say it was arabs Day of training with live ammo, go to bathroom in the moming > Barely notice everyone is watching me > On toilet, realize that all the paper's been removed, and there's nothing in the room except for a bible > Start yelling, get laughter in response > everyone goes to training. leaves me there > f--- no jpg >I start ripping pages from that m----------- and wiping like no tomorrow > Paper cuts make my anus bleed > Błood starts dripping everywhere, can't put on uniform without staining it > Rip out a stack of pages and roll them up, put it in my crack like a hotdog in a bun > Ripped out some more pages and fashioned myself a makeshift King James diaper > Wear it under uniform > Audibly crinkly, but I'm going to be late for training > Hope we're shooting again > Turms out to be marching in formation before weapons training > 10 minutes in the drill sergeant notices the sound reading the paper > Drill sargeant makes us stop and asks who > The guys start looking at me > Drill sergeant makes me jog in place > Loud crinkling > Asks what the hell that sound is > Throat closes, can't answer > Orders me to drop my pants > King James Diaper exposed to the world > He swears low, and tells me to run 200 laps around the boot camp > No choice, do it > Half an hour later, I'm running through the less visible wooded side of the camp > None other than mr. Jesus Avenger, who said he would kill me if he could get away with it, pops out from behind a bush > He's got a bottle of jack daniels in one hand and a handgun in another > Smacks me in the face with the bottle and shoots me in the foot > Pours bottle over my face and in my mouth while I was screaming > Runs away > Dril Sergeant comes looking for me > Incident gets logged and investigated > Turns out Jesus boy fed them a b------- story > Said Ive been harassing him about his religion > and mocking him by defacing his bible >I get discharged for religious intolerance, drinking, and recklessness >Found out later he only got a formal warning about going AWOL in the army > Move back in with parents > Dad's disappointed in me and mom won't talk to me > Start putting out job applications > My name and story have spread, and no businéss around town wanted anything to do with me A month later, dad thinks I'm a bum and haven't been looking for a job > Kicks me out > Homeless, I start drifting > This was probably the worst point in my life, but it gets better from here > Become a vagrant for 2 years > Dehumanizing and disgusting at first > Got food from homeless programs during the day > Went drifter and started going town to town on foot > Eventually, digging through garbage when I got hungry at night > First winter, Imet and became friends with 2 other drifters > They're names were Bub and Shaky. > He's called Shaky because he drank so much it f----- his motor-functions > Bub's girlfriend died of a heroin overdose 3 months before > Met them under a bridge on the outside of town > We traveled together and kept each other company > Wake up in the middle of the night once to a weird sound > Saw they were sucking each other's d---- > notonetojudge jpg > Go back to sleep >A month later, they tried to kill me > Bub, Shaky and I were walking through a town one day > See a $50.00 bill > We're all thinking "boozer >I want Jim Beam, but shaky's an alcoholic > Wants as much cheap 6.00 vodka as 50 can get > F--- you, I found it > Bub comes at me with a half pair of scissors > out of f------ nowhere > He stabs me twice in the leg, grabs the money > Dirty ass pals run away > Never see them again > 3 days later get a fever from infection > Collapse on somebody's stoop for a few hours > Pus from the wounds seeping through my tom dirty jeans >A cop pulls up and tells me to keep walking > Try to stand up, leg hurts too much > Cop comes over and yanks me to my feet > Yells "get moving" > Throws me forward, I grab my leg in pain > Wounds are open and bleeding again > Cop finally sees my condition > He takes me to the homeless sheiter the next town over > Doesnt say a word to me the whole way > At shelter, a cute redhead comes in with a first aid kit and a box of gloves > She seemed upbeat and genuinely sorry about my wounds > First time being treated like a human by a fenmale in a long time > Sprout boner, throbbing in pants > She sees, vague look of disgust flashes over her face >I feel bad and apologize > She laughs nervously and treats my wounds > Gives me a tube of topical antibiotic > Tells me it won't get me high and is only worth a couple bucks > So much for being treated like human > After a couple days the wounds start to heal > Shelter gives the boot, and I get back to drifting > Fast forward a few months and it's winter >Wandering through a new, more urban town, it's 1:00 AM > Roads are empty > Found a winter jacket just my size in a goodwill donation bin > Walking along, I see a lady on a corner >I know she's a h-----, but she's barely wearing anything > It's freezing out, she's shivering >I go up to her and say hi > She asks if l got cash - no > Tells me to f--- off, sounds tired > Offer my jacket, she looks at me strange for a few seconds > Says she can't cover up on the job > Thanks me anyways and smiles > She's not all that skanky looking >A little worm, but there was still a spark of dignity >I stayed and made small talk with her > keep her mind off the cold > Around 3 AM a dirty Pontiac pulls up > Heavy set latin guy at the wheel, screams for Denise > Her name was Denise > Gives me the thousand yard stare and asks if I'm a customer >I say no, he tells me to f--- off > As I walk away, he starts smacking her and asking who I was > Throws her in the car > Wonder about her all day > Sleep in vacant ally > The next night, I came back to that comer and she was there > She had a black eye, and was counting bills on the sly > Cautious at first, she says Sam will cut us both up if he sees me again >I tell her I'm passing through > Sit behind a box in the alley behind her out of sight > We talk all night, between customers > Almost 3, she tells me to get lost before Sam comes around >I take off >t goes on like this for almost a month > We form a bond, we're friends > The drifter and the h----- > She jokes that there should be a kids show based on us > One day Sam came roling up in his pontiac a few hours early > Sam pinned me against the wall and pointed a gun at me > Asked calmly who I was > I'm anon, just a drifter > Try to tell him I'm only friends with Denise > He's got 2 guys with him, they search me for swindled money > There is non > He figures I'm not scoring free poon, I'm too filthy > Drops me, kicks me, and tells me to f--- off > Says I'm tainting the product > Says hel shoot me if he sees me there again > I dropped in on Denise the next night for only 20 seconds >I said good bye and walked away >I never saw her again >A week later I'm on the edge of the urban side of town eating a can of tuna >I see Sam's pontiac driving towards me >I duck into an alley, and he stops the car >1 hear several people behind me, running > They catch up and tackle me >I roll over, Sam's staring at me, breathing real heavy >He pulls out a gun and sits on a crate > Lights a c--------, and catches his breath > Eyes locked whole time > Finally he says something > "Denise is the only reason I'm not killing you taday" > Tums out she made up a bunch of s--- to not get me killed > Among those claims are "expert smuggler looking for work > Told him I was around all the time, I'm that sneaky > My mind s---- itself a little bit when he asks me if I want to make 2 grand > Hell yes > Gives me a bubble wrap manilla folder and told me to take it to the other side of town > Didn't trust his guys to not get shot > Told me he'd kill me on the spot if I refused Naturally, I accepted Told me if I don't go through with it he'd kill Denise I told him I would do it Gives me folded napkin with an address and "Yellow Beatle" written on it IGTFO When I get to the address there's 2 chinese guys sitting in a beatle I go up to the window One sees me, pulls out a gun I stop and pull the envelupe uul uf my cuat Window rolls down I hand him the package and walk away A few blocks down, I hear yelling and tires buming out Tun around, the beetle is rushing at me Passenger with gun pointed out the window I hit the ground as they drive past, then tuck down a side road After a while, I think I lost them Walking over bridge over river, gonna hide out until know they're gone Halfway across the bridge the beatle reappears I try to run, but get a bullet in the fleg Car stops, asian guy gets out Nobody else around Picks me up by collar, but it rips Grabs me by the neck and shoots me twice in the stomach >I remember floating downstream, into the wilderness flanking the urbanized town > Trying desperately to stay afloat >I got really tired and weak, lost feeling in my arms and legs bumping against rocks > Last thing I saw was a dot of light onshore, ahead. > Wake up > I'm covered in a brown fleece blanket right next to a roaring fire >I stand up. My wom clothes are hanging from a stick, drying > There's a pair of damp moccasins by the fire, drying >I look, around in a daze. I hear the river rushing a few yards away > There's a f------ teepee pitched under an oak tree > And a f------ indian standing outside of it, smoking pot >1 try to get up, he tells me to lay and get warm or fll die > I lay back down and fall asleep > A few seconds later, he's shaking me awake > Tells me it's dangerous to go to sleep that cold Turns out the indian, this balding middle aged guy with pot and glasses, is named Hector. > Hector tells me he's making a spintual journey on foot to Arizona > He's full Navajo and wants to meet his relatives in a reserve > Asks if I want to join him Say yes, free pot > We spent the next 6 months walking to Arizona. > At first, I took him for a guy in a midlife crisis, but as we traveled, we bonded > Taught me how to hunt and fish, and keep myself clean in the wildeness > How to craft my own clothes and supplies from the fat of the land > Once we got to the desert regions, he taught me how to survive like a navajo > He came from a US. background, but he's definitely done his research > One day, we found a peyote plant > He was really happy, and asked if i wanted the spiritual awakening from his peopie > Bastard got all mystic on me and told me I would find my spirit guide > In the moment, I agree > Being high on peyote was the most surreal thing ve ever experience > Strange, soothing sounds all around > Time and space keep rearranging themseves >I see a temple made out of eyes >A fox tapped me on the shoulder then ran inside > I followed > There's a human figure made out of water standing next to me > We walk the same and moved the same > In the temple there was a roll of toilet paper > My mind went into this weird, highly perceptive loop > Weird moment of clarity in the insanity forming all around me > I realize in this moment the strange nature of life >A spiral of events, spurred by a single missed roll of toilet paper > This is f------ insane > I'm doing peyote in the desert with a drug-addict native american because of TP > What the hell happened > The rest of the high was an ocean of blurred images and colors > Forgot my revelation until much later > The next day, we reach the reserve > When we walked into the reserve, we got funny looks > Half-native outsider with a scruffy white guy > Apprehension begins to fade orice we introduced ourselves to a group of elders outside a trailer > It's sunset, there's a cool breeze blowing > There's a smattering of Hogans and decorated trailers throughout the reserve > They let us stay, if we told our stonies > Hector told his, he was a technician in a medum town yearning for his roots >I told my story, and they laughed > We stayed the night > Then the next night > Nights tun to weeks, to months > It's weird being accepted after all this > When we first arrived and got the full affect of the reserve, I dont think it was entirely what Hector was expecting > He was looking forward to nature and mysticism. The reserve has modenized a bit > There was Navajo artwork, food, and stories, but we had cable TV, internet, and plumbing > He was a bit disappointed, but reconciled > Tells me "if youre going to chase your dreams, you have to be ready for disappointment" > The people are nice > Let us stay > Eventually I get a job in a nearby town, call center > Started taking community college classes online for IT > Studying At certification > Get a job with a tech firm, on salary 26.000 a year starting >During my stay at the reserve and subsuquent success, I caught the interest of a native girl my age > Her name's Marissa > Save money, decide it's time to leave >I donate a few thousand to the reserve as a thank you > Get airline ticket back to my hometown, where Marissa and I had an apartment and jobs lined up > Looking forward to seeing my parents > Planning surprise visit > Look out window, watching the country fiy by below me > Clear sky > Remember back on how I walked across the land > Not mad about anything > Happy and amazed how things turned out > Settling into apartment and job > Im clean cut and wearing a suit > Go back to my parent's old house Mom answers the door, looks at me for a few seconds > Faints > When she came to, she started crying and hugging and kissing me > My dad couldnt even believe I was really there > Dad sheds tears - first time in my life I've ever seen him do that >A million apologies and excuses Said that a few days after he kicked me out he had a change of heart > Couldn't find me >2 years later, thought I was dead > One of the happiest moments of my life > Had another moment of happiness 3 weeks later at work Three weeks later, I'm at work, working on a queue of PC repairs > Notice the name attached to one machine labeled "Bad RAM" > The name is of my old friend, the one who's house this started in >I replace the RAM, and boot it up > Proxy string a bunch of CP, beast and other nasty depravities onto his HDD > Hide the folder, power down, repackage > Later, I do some research and find he's now minister of a local church > Evil smile > Place a phone call to the authonties, informing them of what I found > Next day, his mug shot is in the paper > Find out he's going to prison, excommunicated from church, and his wife and kids are leaving him > Kids going to child psychologist to see if he touched them > His life falls to s--- > He never finds out who did it to him, witness protection > The vicious nature of life comes full circle, bitch. END
True anon stories > Greentexted > Me, 17. > At friend's house, playing video games and hanging out > Have to s--- really bad > It's taco bell s---- > The kind that are really greasy. and takes forever to wipe > Like, 16 t. of TP and leaving streaks the whole way through > Say BRB and hit the bathroom > Start releasing the colon-ctuhlhu a fraction of a sec before my ass ham-slapped the toilet seat > Sweet relief. > Reach for TP, saw roll was all used up. > Look around. no TP. Anywhere. > Stranded on the 1st floor of his house without a single square. > Too awkward to yeli for help > Look around for alternative wipe ammo > 2 things: > His dad's new car mag > And his mom's bible O Anonymous (ID KIW6MMP2) 02/10/13(Sun)15:00:31 No. 457541705 Replies: 22457542424 2457543712 245754S795 »457567096 > Faced with an ultimatum > Dad's huge, loves cars, and prone to aggressiveness > Mom's a sweet lady, very small and soft-spoken. would feel heavy bad if I did that to her > Dad could kick my ass > Also, doesn't give a damn about religion >I rip a few pages from the middie of the old testanent > Christians dont read that s--- > Paper is thin, getting lots of papercuts in my ass crack > 10 pages later, Im clean > Pulling up pants when a seond wave hit > Don't even have time to flush toilet. > Poo lasagna mode engaged > After 3rd round, I sat for another 20 min just to make sure everything was out By now my friend is outside the door asking if I'm OK > Just say l be out in a few, just passing some used burritos > Clean myself up for the 4th and final time > By now, about 1/4 of the old testament was noticeably gone > Toilet has more in it than his plumbing can handle > After 3rd round,I sat for another 20 min just to make sure everything was out > By now my friend is outside the door asking if I'm OK > Just say lil be out in a few just passing some used burritos > Clean myself up for the 4th and final time > By now, about 1/4 of the old testament was noticeably gone > Toilet has more in st than his plumbing can handle > Have to act fast, he's outside the door > Tried plunging, but there's too much paper > This time I make sure there's some antibacteriai soap by the sink > Hands can be washed > Roll up sleeves and reach into toilet to start hand-pulping the solid mass > as I'm on my knees processing the Purina Romney Chow. >I notice the full roll of toilet paper that was sitting on the toilet backing the whole time > wtfdidijustdo jpg > fush toilet with elbow, starts over flowing > half-pages of old testament smeared with s--- scattering across the floor > rip the lid off the tower desperately trying to unstick the cheap-ass plumbing > tank empties and something I did f----- it up > Toilet starts making really loud gurgly chainsaw sound > Friend starts pounding on door yelling, what am i doing > Over the span of 40 seconds, the sound gets louder and deeper tums into a grinding sound wearing down, then stops whole time in shock with my s--- covered hands on my forehead > friend kicks down door, yelling > Stops mid sentence, staring at me > Im wide eyed, smeared with s--- on my face and hands > there's some on my jeans > heavily brown tinted water and soggy pages of old testament coating the floor > mom's bible sitting forgotten on floor, soaked with s--- water > By now, I hear his parent's footsteps coming down the hall > Friend is standing there stanng, doesn't know what to do > His mom comes in, shocked, starts tearing up and whimpering a bit > "My grandmother gave me that bibie a month before she died of cancer" > His dad comes in a few seconds later > Shocked, but sees the bible pages and starts laughing > Starts walking away, still laughing > He screams at the end of the hall way > "Anon, you are F-----" > Friend's mom starts wailing and crying > Why did you do that, anon?" > Over and over, hysterical >I start crying too, but I look like a p----- off baboon when I cry > She thinks I'm sneering at her and walks away crying harder >I hear his dad cracking a beer in the kitchen >I tum to friend and say "look, I can- > Punched me in the face, cheekbone stinging > Grabs me by the hood of my jacket and forces me out of his house > See his mom bawling and picking up a phone as we pass > Out on street, a mile from my house, no ride, covered in s--- and paper >I start walking back to my house > 30 min later, a lady stops and asks > Lady starts driving > Get self conscious about the s--- drying on me > She's making small talk >A minute later she smells the s--- stank and looks at me > She pulls over to the side hard, my head hits the window > She starts screaming at me in Chinese, gesturing for me to get out > Yeah, she was asian, but she had perfect new englad accent, surprised the s--- out of me > Get out of car > Later, a fat guy in a pickup truck asked where I was going > Offered to let me hop in the cargo bed > Get ride home > Sneak past parents and take shower > Try to call friend over and over to explain myself, no answer > 4th try, my friend answered and screamed at me to stop, then hung up > Over next week, I notice neighbors and classmates looking at me a lot > Start hearing "mom hater", "satan boy" and "Ass Testament" behind my back need a ride, I get in > Nicknames spread through school like wild fire > Younger kids ve never talked to and barely ever looked at coming up to me and saying them to my face > One of my closest female friends who is christian got distant and eventually stopped talking with me > Story gets to the teachers, a few days later I get called into principal's office > Superintendant is there > Tells me they're expelling me for "gross ridicule of religious beliefs" > Mom and dad find out > Mom starts acting weird around me > More tense, looks at me a lot > Feels like she thinks she doesn't know me > Dad thinks I'm just being deviant and I need strict structure and reform > 2 hours later, he's on the phone with and army recruiter, volunteering me for boot camp > Fast forward to bootcamp > It's alright at first > First couple days were sore but à few days in, my body starts going with it > One day I get a package from some anon's at my old school > It was a stack of pictures of me. photoshopped to look like I was wiping my ass with a bible > On the back of each picture there's a nickname > Overly curious guy comes over and takes them from me >A few minutes later whole barracks is sharing the pictures and laughing their asses off >A couple of them even found out my friend's email and asked for the story > Later, I notice one of the other guys looking at me a lot >I find out he comes from an ultra-conservative family and he hates me for what I did > He bumps into me later and I try to make small talk > When no one else was listening. he told me that if we were ever > Start noticing the drill seargents singling me out > Orne day we start training with live ammo combat, he would shoot me and say it was arabs Day of training with live ammo, go to bathroom in the moming > Barely notice everyone is watching me > On toilet, realize that all the paper's been removed, and there's nothing in the room except for a bible > Start yelling, get laughter in response > everyone goes to training. leaves me there > f--- no jpg >I start ripping pages from that m----------- and wiping like no tomorrow > Paper cuts make my anus bleed > Błood starts dripping everywhere, can't put on uniform without staining it > Rip out a stack of pages and roll them up, put it in my crack like a hotdog in a bun > Ripped out some more pages and fashioned myself a makeshift King James diaper > Wear it under uniform > Audibly crinkly, but I'm going to be late for training > Hope we're shooting again > Turms out to be marching in formation before weapons training > 10 minutes in the drill sergeant notices the sound reading the paper > Drill sargeant makes us stop and asks who > The guys start looking at me > Drill sergeant makes me jog in place > Loud crinkling > Asks what the hell that sound is > Throat closes, can't answer > Orders me to drop my pants > King James Diaper exposed to the world > He swears low, and tells me to run 200 laps around the boot camp > No choice, do it > Half an hour later, I'm running through the less visible wooded side of the camp > None other than mr. Jesus Avenger, who said he would kill me if he could get away with it, pops out from behind a bush > He's got a bottle of jack daniels in one hand and a handgun in another > Smacks me in the face with the bottle and shoots me in the foot > Pours bottle over my face and in my mouth while I was screaming > Runs away > Dril Sergeant comes looking for me > Incident gets logged and investigated > Turns out Jesus boy fed them a b------- story > Said Ive been harassing him about his religion > and mocking him by defacing his bible >I get discharged for religious intolerance, drinking, and recklessness >Found out later he only got a formal warning about going AWOL in the army > Move back in with parents > Dad's disappointed in me and mom won't talk to me > Start putting out job applications > My name and story have spread, and no businéss around town wanted anything to do with me A month later, dad thinks I'm a bum and haven't been looking for a job > Kicks me out > Homeless, I start drifting > This was probably the worst point in my life, but it gets better from here > Become a vagrant for 2 years > Dehumanizing and disgusting at first > Got food from homeless programs during the day > Went drifter and started going town to town on foot > Eventually, digging through garbage when I got hungry at night > First winter, Imet and became friends with 2 other drifters > They're names were Bub and Shaky. > He's called Shaky because he drank so much it f----- his motor-functions > Bub's girlfriend died of a heroin overdose 3 months before > Met them under a bridge on the outside of town > We traveled together and kept each other company > Wake up in the middle of the night once to a weird sound > Saw they were sucking each other's d---- > notonetojudge jpg > Go back to sleep >A month later, they tried to kill me > Bub, Shaky and I were walking through a town one day > See a $50.00 bill > We're all thinking "boozer >I want Jim Beam, but shaky's an alcoholic > Wants as much cheap 6.00 vodka as 50 can get > F--- you, I found it > Bub comes at me with a half pair of scissors > out of f------ nowhere > He stabs me twice in the leg, grabs the money > Dirty ass pals run away > Never see them again > 3 days later get a fever from infection > Collapse on somebody's stoop for a few hours > Pus from the wounds seeping through my tom dirty jeans >A cop pulls up and tells me to keep walking > Try to stand up, leg hurts too much > Cop comes over and yanks me to my feet > Yells "get moving" > Throws me forward, I grab my leg in pain > Wounds are open and bleeding again > Cop finally sees my condition > He takes me to the homeless sheiter the next town over > Doesnt say a word to me the whole way > At shelter, a cute redhead comes in with a first aid kit and a box of gloves > She seemed upbeat and genuinely sorry about my wounds > First time being treated like a human by a fenmale in a long time > Sprout boner, throbbing in pants > She sees, vague look of disgust flashes over her face >I feel bad and apologize > She laughs nervously and treats my wounds > Gives me a tube of topical antibiotic > Tells me it won't get me high and is only worth a couple bucks > So much for being treated like human > After a couple days the wounds start to heal > Shelter gives the boot, and I get back to drifting > Fast forward a few months and it's winter >Wandering through a new, more urban town, it's 1:00 AM > Roads are empty > Found a winter jacket just my size in a goodwill donation bin > Walking along, I see a lady on a corner >I know she's a h-----, but she's barely wearing anything > It's freezing out, she's shivering >I go up to her and say hi > She asks if l got cash - no > Tells me to f--- off, sounds tired > Offer my jacket, she looks at me strange for a few seconds > Says she can't cover up on the job > Thanks me anyways and smiles > She's not all that skanky looking >A little worm, but there was still a spark of dignity >I stayed and made small talk with her > keep her mind off the cold > Around 3 AM a dirty Pontiac pulls up > Heavy set latin guy at the wheel, screams for Denise > Her name was Denise > Gives me the thousand yard stare and asks if I'm a customer >I say no, he tells me to f--- off > As I walk away, he starts smacking her and asking who I was > Throws her in the car > Wonder about her all day > Sleep in vacant ally > The next night, I came back to that comer and she was there > She had a black eye, and was counting bills on the sly > Cautious at first, she says Sam will cut us both up if he sees me again >I tell her I'm passing through > Sit behind a box in the alley behind her out of sight > We talk all night, between customers > Almost 3, she tells me to get lost before Sam comes around >I take off >t goes on like this for almost a month > We form a bond, we're friends > The drifter and the h----- > She jokes that there should be a kids show based on us > One day Sam came roling up in his pontiac a few hours early > Sam pinned me against the wall and pointed a gun at me > Asked calmly who I was > I'm anon, just a drifter > Try to tell him I'm only friends with Denise > He's got 2 guys with him, they search me for swindled money > There is non > He figures I'm not scoring free poon, I'm too filthy > Drops me, kicks me, and tells me to f--- off > Says I'm tainting the product > Says hel shoot me if he sees me there again > I dropped in on Denise the next night for only 20 seconds >I said good bye and walked away >I never saw her again >A week later I'm on the edge of the urban side of town eating a can of tuna >I see Sam's pontiac driving towards me >I duck into an alley, and he stops the car >1 hear several people behind me, running > They catch up and tackle me >I roll over, Sam's staring at me, breathing real heavy >He pulls out a gun and sits on a crate > Lights a c--------, and catches his breath > Eyes locked whole time > Finally he says something > "Denise is the only reason I'm not killing you taday" > Tums out she made up a bunch of s--- to not get me killed > Among those claims are "expert smuggler looking for work > Told him I was around all the time, I'm that sneaky > My mind s---- itself a little bit when he asks me if I want to make 2 grand > Hell yes > Gives me a bubble wrap manilla folder and told me to take it to the other side of town > Didn't trust his guys to not get shot > Told me he'd kill me on the spot if I refused Naturally, I accepted Told me if I don't go through with it he'd kill Denise I told him I would do it Gives me folded napkin with an address and "Yellow Beatle" written on it IGTFO When I get to the address there's 2 chinese guys sitting in a beatle I go up to the window One sees me, pulls out a gun I stop and pull the envelupe uul uf my cuat Window rolls down I hand him the package and walk away A few blocks down, I hear yelling and tires buming out Tun around, the beetle is rushing at me Passenger with gun pointed out the window I hit the ground as they drive past, then tuck down a side road After a while, I think I lost them Walking over bridge over river, gonna hide out until know they're gone Halfway across the bridge the beatle reappears I try to run, but get a bullet in the fleg Car stops, asian guy gets out Nobody else around Picks me up by collar, but it rips Grabs me by the neck and shoots me twice in the stomach >I remember floating downstream, into the wilderness flanking the urbanized town > Trying desperately to stay afloat >I got really tired and weak, lost feeling in my arms and legs bumping against rocks > Last thing I saw was a dot of light onshore, ahead. > Wake up > I'm covered in a brown fleece blanket right next to a roaring fire >I stand up. My wom clothes are hanging from a stick, drying > There's a pair of damp moccasins by the fire, drying >I look, around in a daze. I hear the river rushing a few yards away > There's a f------ teepee pitched under an oak tree > And a f------ indian standing outside of it, smoking pot >1 try to get up, he tells me to lay and get warm or fll die > I lay back down and fall asleep > A few seconds later, he's shaking me awake > Tells me it's dangerous to go to sleep that cold Turns out the indian, this balding middle aged guy with pot and glasses, is named Hector. > Hector tells me he's making a spintual journey on foot to Arizona > He's full Navajo and wants to meet his relatives in a reserve > Asks if I want to join him Say yes, free pot > We spent the next 6 months walking to Arizona. > At first, I took him for a guy in a midlife crisis, but as we traveled, we bonded > Taught me how to hunt and fish, and keep myself clean in the wildeness > How to craft my own clothes and supplies from the fat of the land > Once we got to the desert regions, he taught me how to survive like a navajo > He came from a US. background, but he's definitely done his research > One day, we found a peyote plant > He was really happy, and asked if i wanted the spiritual awakening from his peopie > Bastard got all mystic on me and told me I would find my spirit guide > In the moment, I agree > Being high on peyote was the most surreal thing ve ever experience > Strange, soothing sounds all around > Time and space keep rearranging themseves >I see a temple made out of eyes >A fox tapped me on the shoulder then ran inside > I followed > There's a human figure made out of water standing next to me > We walk the same and moved the same > In the temple there was a roll of toilet paper > My mind went into this weird, highly perceptive loop > Weird moment of clarity in the insanity forming all around me > I realize in this moment the strange nature of life >A spiral of events, spurred by a single missed roll of toilet paper > This is f------ insane > I'm doing peyote in the desert with a drug-addict native american because of TP > What the hell happened > The rest of the high was an ocean of blurred images and colors > Forgot my revelation until much later > The next day, we reach the reserve > When we walked into the reserve, we got funny looks > Half-native outsider with a scruffy white guy > Apprehension begins to fade orice we introduced ourselves to a group of elders outside a trailer > It's sunset, there's a cool breeze blowing > There's a smattering of Hogans and decorated trailers throughout the reserve > They let us stay, if we told our stonies > Hector told his, he was a technician in a medum town yearning for his roots >I told my story, and they laughed > We stayed the night > Then the next night > Nights tun to weeks, to months > It's weird being accepted after all this > When we first arrived and got the full affect of the reserve, I dont think it was entirely what Hector was expecting > He was looking forward to nature and mysticism. The reserve has modenized a bit > There was Navajo artwork, food, and stories, but we had cable TV, internet, and plumbing > He was a bit disappointed, but reconciled > Tells me "if youre going to chase your dreams, you have to be ready for disappointment" > The people are nice > Let us stay > Eventually I get a job in a nearby town, call center > Started taking community college classes online for IT > Studying At certification > Get a job with a tech firm, on salary 26.000 a year starting >During my stay at the reserve and subsuquent success, I caught the interest of a native girl my age > Her name's Marissa > Save money, decide it's time to leave >I donate a few thousand to the reserve as a thank you > Get airline ticket back to my hometown, where Marissa and I had an apartment and jobs lined up > Looking forward to seeing my parents > Planning surprise visit > Look out window, watching the country fiy by below me > Clear sky > Remember back on how I walked across the land > Not mad about anything > Happy and amazed how things turned out > Settling into apartment and job > Im clean cut and wearing a suit > Go back to my parent's old house Mom answers the door, looks at me for a few seconds > Faints > When she came to, she started crying and hugging and kissing me > My dad couldnt even believe I was really there > Dad sheds tears - first time in my life I've ever seen him do that >A million apologies and excuses Said that a few days after he kicked me out he had a change of heart > Couldn't find me >2 years later, thought I was dead > One of the happiest moments of my life > Had another moment of happiness 3 weeks later at work Three weeks later, I'm at work, working on a queue of PC repairs > Notice the name attached to one machine labeled "Bad RAM" > The name is of my old friend, the one who's house this started in >I replace the RAM, and boot it up > Proxy string a bunch of CP, beast and other nasty depravities onto his HDD > Hide the folder, power down, repackage > Later, I do some research and find he's now minister of a local church > Evil smile > Place a phone call to the authonties, informing them of what I found > Next day, his mug shot is in the paper > Find out he's going to prison, excommunicated from church, and his wife and kids are leaving him > Kids going to child psychologist to see if he touched them > His life falls to s--- > He never finds out who did it to him, witness protection > The vicious nature of life comes full circle, bitch. END

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anon believes in microtransaction | /r/Greentext

File: soyjack.png (15 KB, 644x800) O Anonymous 02/23/21(Tue)00:15:19 No.545486151 [Reply] >be me >playing csgo >trading items and what not >make a buy order for an AK Aquamarine Revenge for $105 >check to see if I bought one today >l did >It came with a bunch of stickers on it >look up value of stickers >THE VALUE OF THE STICKERS IS OVER $450 >mfw Someone took a fat L today.
File: soyjack.png (15 KB, 644x800) O Anonymous 02/23/21(Tue)00:15:19 No.545486151 [Reply] >be me >playing csgo >trading items and what not >make a buy order for an AK Aquamarine Revenge for $105 >check to see if I bought one today >l did >It came with a bunch of stickers on it >look up value of stickers >THE VALUE OF THE STICKERS IS OVER $450 >mfw Someone took a fat L today.

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Anon decides to do some dumb shit on the last day of school | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 02/22/21(Mon)15:55:59 No.848014947 >>848010596 (OP)_# >be me >last day at school >decide to do some dumb s--- >class and teachers stand outside for a group picture >l am in the classroom directly above them >idea.jpg >fill up trashcan with water >dump all of it out the windows onto the teachers >The force of the water takes the top and the skirt of one of the female teachers down >mfw I f------ stripped a teacher naked and everyone saw it, she basically only had her panties left on >Adrenaline rush I f------ bail >They wouldnt catch me if some of the f------ snitches girls who saw me didnt say anything >becoming a legend in the eyes of the boys, get in trouble with everyone else >Thankfully I already had my graduation papers >Cringe every time I remember that s---
: Anonymous 02/22/21(Mon)15:55:59 No.848014947 >>848010596 (OP)_# >be me >last day at school >decide to do some dumb s--- >class and teachers stand outside for a group picture >l am in the classroom directly above them >idea.jpg >fill up trashcan with water >dump all of it out the windows onto the teachers >The force of the water takes the top and the skirt of one of the female teachers down >mfw I f------ stripped a teacher naked and everyone saw it, she basically only had her panties left on >Adrenaline rush I f------ bail >They wouldnt catch me if some of the f------ snitches girls who saw me didnt say anything >becoming a legend in the eyes of the boys, get in trouble with everyone else >Thankfully I already had my graduation papers >Cringe every time I remember that s---

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Anon is becoming an adult | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 02/01/20(Sat)21:02:27 No.56535266 >talking to my dad about my depression >explaining passive suicidality >"while I'm not going to actively try to kill myself, if a truck was coming straight at me I probably wouldn't get out of the way" >his reply 93 KB JPG >his f------ reply >"oh that's how I've felt my whole life" >mfw
: Anonymous 02/01/20(Sat)21:02:27 No.56535266 >talking to my dad about my depression >explaining passive suicidality >"while I'm not going to actively try to kill myself, if a truck was coming straight at me I probably wouldn't get out of the way" >his reply 93 KB JPG >his f------ reply >"oh that's how I've felt my whole life" >mfw

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Anon The Dog Person | /r/Greentext

Anonymous | 790197942 49 min. ago •.. >at a party >sitting alone and petting dog because aspergers.jpg >cute 6/10 with nice tight bod comes up to me > "hehe are you more of a dog person than a cat person anon" Autism kicks in 178.3 kB JPG > "hehe a holes a hole to me"
Anonymous | 790197942 49 min. ago •.. >at a party >sitting alone and petting dog because aspergers.jpg >cute 6/10 with nice tight bod comes up to me > "hehe are you more of a dog person than a cat person anon" Autism kicks in 178.3 kB JPG > "hehe a holes a hole to me"

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anon rakes in the points | /r/Greentext

>go to whataburger this morning with mummy for my daily tendies- brekky >everything's going as usual >there's a new employee at the drive-through window >he says the tendies are being 37 KB PNG cooked and that i'll have to wait a few minutes >mummy offers 5 Good Boy Points if i just let it slide >accept her offer; should have played hardball in retrospect >the person hands the tendies to mummy after SEVEN minutes >says "sorry about the wait, here's your chicken strips" >strips >REEEEEEEEEEEEE >scream "THEY'RE CALLED TENDIES YOU NORMALSCUM WAGESLAVE" >mummy apologizes and explains my condition to the man >he's visibly restraining himself from laughing >cry to mummy about why life is unfair and blame her for giving me s----- genes >she breaks down crying and gives me 10 bonus GBP >better than usual tendies-brekky, couldn't have planned it better she's still crying in the next room. think i can milk her for more points?
>go to whataburger this morning with mummy for my daily tendies- brekky >everything's going as usual >there's a new employee at the drive-through window >he says the tendies are being 37 KB PNG cooked and that i'll have to wait a few minutes >mummy offers 5 Good Boy Points if i just let it slide >accept her offer; should have played hardball in retrospect >the person hands the tendies to mummy after SEVEN minutes >says "sorry about the wait, here's your chicken strips" >strips >REEEEEEEEEEEEE >scream "THEY'RE CALLED TENDIES YOU NORMALSCUM WAGESLAVE" >mummy apologizes and explains my condition to the man >he's visibly restraining himself from laughing >cry to mummy about why life is unfair and blame her for giving me s----- genes >she breaks down crying and gives me 10 bonus GBP >better than usual tendies-brekky, couldn't have planned it better she's still crying in the next room. think i can milk her for more points?

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anon dislikes china | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 11/29/20(Sun)14:50:38 No.841197436 >On twitter >I tell a commie I don't trust the Chinese government >"Explain yourself, capitalist pig" >carefully lay out a long list of human rights violations and lies by the CCP 52 KB JPG >"The CCP has denied all the of those claims, you're just xenophobic" I don't even know anymore man
: Anonymous 11/29/20(Sun)14:50:38 No.841197436 >On twitter >I tell a commie I don't trust the Chinese government >"Explain yourself, capitalist pig" >carefully lay out a long list of human rights violations and lies by the CCP 52 KB JPG >"The CCP has denied all the of those claims, you're just xenophobic" I don't even know anymore man

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Anon works at chick fil a | /r/Greentext

D Anon is an arsonist Anonymous 19/04/02(Tue)21:46 No. 3421 [Reply] File 155423436523.jpg - (144.36KB , 1000x847, VZGYWFO.jpg) >be me >working at chick-fil-a >doing a promo where you get a free entree or a meal for looking like a cow (costume-meal, tshirt=Dentree) >been super busy >tired as f--- >finaly it cools down a bit >landwhale and her daughter come up, they order 2 #1meals and diet(offcourse) cocke >give it to them for free >confusion.mp4 >say we "are doing a promo" and point to the sign >they walk away hàppy, oblivious to the fourth degree burn that just went down >mfw
D Anon is an arsonist Anonymous 19/04/02(Tue)21:46 No. 3421 [Reply] File 155423436523.jpg - (144.36KB , 1000x847, VZGYWFO.jpg) >be me >working at chick-fil-a >doing a promo where you get a free entree or a meal for looking like a cow (costume-meal, tshirt=Dentree) >been super busy >tired as f--- >finaly it cools down a bit >landwhale and her daughter come up, they order 2 #1meals and diet(offcourse) cocke >give it to them for free >confusion.mp4 >say we "are doing a promo" and point to the sign >they walk away hàppy, oblivious to the fourth degree burn that just went down >mfw

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Anon hates fat people | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 02/16/21(Tue)22:22:33 No.62367736 >Getting increasingly angry at my fat sister for being fat. >Resent having to sit next to her at things like theaters. >Was subtle for years but now 9 KB JPG telling her she needs to improve her ability to bend down to get things so she can stop crying at me to do it every day or telling her she needs to make sure she can fit in a plane seat when we go on family trips. >Repulsed by her three chins, can't remember the last time I hugged her outside of a funeral. >Hate the fat slur in her voice and her breathing struggles while watching Tv. I should feel like a a------ but I don't.
: Anonymous 02/16/21(Tue)22:22:33 No.62367736 >Getting increasingly angry at my fat sister for being fat. >Resent having to sit next to her at things like theaters. >Was subtle for years but now 9 KB JPG telling her she needs to improve her ability to bend down to get things so she can stop crying at me to do it every day or telling her she needs to make sure she can fit in a plane seat when we go on family trips. >Repulsed by her three chins, can't remember the last time I hugged her outside of a funeral. >Hate the fat slur in her voice and her breathing struggles while watching Tv. I should feel like a a------ but I don't.

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Not a greentext, but still a story. | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 11/19/16(Sat)20:57:24 No.712259330 Walking home today some f----- bumped into me and instantly started talking s--- about aluminum being the best metal. I tried to remain calm and explain to him that iron was actually the best metal, but he wouldn't take a hint. He started throwing around words like "rust" and I lost it. Punched him right in his aluminum- 11 KB JPG loving f--- face. I hate aluminum so goddamn much.
: Anonymous 11/19/16(Sat)20:57:24 No.712259330 Walking home today some f----- bumped into me and instantly started talking s--- about aluminum being the best metal. I tried to remain calm and explain to him that iron was actually the best metal, but he wouldn't take a hint. He started throwing around words like "rust" and I lost it. Punched him right in his aluminum- 11 KB JPG loving f--- face. I hate aluminum so goddamn much.

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anon is not so different | /r/Greentext

>in my room >dad yelling at me because abusive >calls me a retard >autism kicks in >"takes one to know one" 143 KB PNG he's throwing bottles at me now what do i do
>in my room >dad yelling at me because abusive >calls me a retard >autism kicks in >"takes one to know one" 143 KB PNG he's throwing bottles at me now what do i do

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OP doesn't like cooking | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 02/22/21(Mon)15:29:20 No.15636937 >the fish you're about to cook picks its head up from the counter, says your name, and begs not to be cooked 44 KB PNG
: Anonymous 02/22/21(Mon)15:29:20 No.15636937 >the fish you're about to cook picks its head up from the counter, says your name, and begs not to be cooked 44 KB PNG

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Anon is a redditor | /r/Greentext

File: pgYSqgC. jpg (29 KB, 557x317) O Anonymous 02/22/21(Mon)11:50:26 No.848006549 [Reply] >>848006596 i haven't had sex in nearly a year Anonymous 02/22/21(Mon)11:51:27 No.848006596 >>848006549 (OP) i haven't had sex
File: pgYSqgC. jpg (29 KB, 557x317) O Anonymous 02/22/21(Mon)11:50:26 No.848006549 [Reply] >>848006596 i haven't had sex in nearly a year Anonymous 02/22/21(Mon)11:51:27 No.848006596 >>848006549 (OP) i haven't had sex

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Anons physics teacher is an old drunk | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 02/22/21(Mon)23:49:40 No.848046219 > high school > physics teacher is an old drunk. He looked like redneck Robert De Niro on crack > during class, my friend says that je does not want to have kids. > I dont remember why he said it, but he was reacting to something, that the teacher have said > teacher gets up > slowly walkes to my friend > he took out of his pocket opening knife > puts it in front of the friend > "cut your balls off" > "wha-what?" (friend was around 15) > "you don't want kids, you don't need balls" > "I'm waiting" > he stood there for about three minutes. Then took the knife, wallked back and continued with the lesson He drunk himself to death year later
: Anonymous 02/22/21(Mon)23:49:40 No.848046219 > high school > physics teacher is an old drunk. He looked like redneck Robert De Niro on crack > during class, my friend says that je does not want to have kids. > I dont remember why he said it, but he was reacting to something, that the teacher have said > teacher gets up > slowly walkes to my friend > he took out of his pocket opening knife > puts it in front of the friend > "cut your balls off" > "wha-what?" (friend was around 15) > "you don't want kids, you don't need balls" > "I'm waiting" > he stood there for about three minutes. Then took the knife, wallked back and continued with the lesson He drunk himself to death year later

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Anon watches a documentary | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 06/27/12(Wed)18:06:49 No. 2903512 >13 years old, have had boners many many times before, just not know what the point was >In my room secretly watching documentary about danish strippers >Have r-----------, I'm just staring at it and raging thinking "what the f--- is the point.." >Decided to continue watching another ten minutes of the documentary >R----------- still annoying the hell out of me, decide to grab it really hard and maybe "choke" it to sleep >Feels kinda good, wat is this!? >Start experimenting with different motions, feels better and better >HHHHHNNNNNNNGGGGG >What the f--- just happened >Get scared shitless, thinking this is not normal. >Quickly turn off TV, go to bed, terrified that I broke my d--- somehow. >Didn't jack it for another week just to be sure that everything was ok.
: Anonymous 06/27/12(Wed)18:06:49 No. 2903512 >13 years old, have had boners many many times before, just not know what the point was >In my room secretly watching documentary about danish strippers >Have r-----------, I'm just staring at it and raging thinking "what the f--- is the point.." >Decided to continue watching another ten minutes of the documentary >R----------- still annoying the hell out of me, decide to grab it really hard and maybe "choke" it to sleep >Feels kinda good, wat is this!? >Start experimenting with different motions, feels better and better >HHHHHNNNNNNNGGGGG >What the f--- just happened >Get scared shitless, thinking this is not normal. >Quickly turn off TV, go to bed, terrified that I broke my d--- somehow. >Didn't jack it for another week just to be sure that everything was ok.

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Anon's friend needs to be potty trained | /r/Greentext

File: plstp.jpg (14 KB, 312x245) "that guy" stories Anonymous 02/22/21(Mon)13:10:45 No.62444259 [Reply] ► >>62444303 >>62444882 This was a decade ago but it still haunts me >be me, 19, uni student >visit friend in his new apartment >he's also 19, just moved out his parents' place >play vidya with him >have to take a s---, use his bathroom >can't find tp >m----------- used it up and didn't replace the roll >f------ children living on their own for the first time >luckily got some tissues with me, use those >get back to vidya >"yo mate, you ran out of tp" >"nah I don't need any" >"what do you mean you don't need any?" >"I just flush without looking." >awkward pause >.. >.. >WHAT?! >m----------- thought tp was just there to cover your s--- so you don't have to look at it while you flush >says he never looks back at his s---, that's weird >says he saves money >my f------ face when
File: plstp.jpg (14 KB, 312x245) "that guy" stories Anonymous 02/22/21(Mon)13:10:45 No.62444259 [Reply] ► >>62444303 >>62444882 This was a decade ago but it still haunts me >be me, 19, uni student >visit friend in his new apartment >he's also 19, just moved out his parents' place >play vidya with him >have to take a s---, use his bathroom >can't find tp >m----------- used it up and didn't replace the roll >f------ children living on their own for the first time >luckily got some tissues with me, use those >get back to vidya >"yo mate, you ran out of tp" >"nah I don't need any" >"what do you mean you don't need any?" >"I just flush without looking." >awkward pause >.. >.. >WHAT?! >m----------- thought tp was just there to cover your s--- so you don't have to look at it while you flush >says he never looks back at his s---, that's weird >says he saves money >my f------ face when

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Anon is a gamer | /r/Greentext

File: pepegamer.jpg (138 KB, 880x793) Anonymous 02/22/21(Mon)21:29:29 No.848027878 >be me >gaming alone in room with two friends who are together >they start making out >mind my own business and concentrate on my game >all of a sudden start f------ like rabbits >still concentrated on my game >mfw I start rethinking my life decisions
File: pepegamer.jpg (138 KB, 880x793) Anonymous 02/22/21(Mon)21:29:29 No.848027878 >be me >gaming alone in room with two friends who are together >they start making out >mind my own business and concentrate on my game >all of a sudden start f------ like rabbits >still concentrated on my game >mfw I start rethinking my life decisions

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anon gets a girlfriend | /r/Greentext

File: 212333.png (60 KB, 500x751) O Anonymous 02/04/19(Mon)06:43:07 No.50789300 (F Anon, what is your most cringe/embarrassing story? The s >be me >11 year old latchkey kid >always f------ horny >rub my d--- on everything in the house >eventually stick d--- into leather couch cushions >feelsgood.jpg >c-- all over cushions, clean with wet rag >do this afterschool everyday for a month >couch is basically first girlfriend >birthday comes around on a weekday >get home and start undressing >kneel in front of her and rub her cushions >happybirthdaytome >spit on my d--- and start pounding sad birthday pepe >push down on cushions for more pressure >start to c-- when parents burst in with gifts >stare at each other as I'm finishing >mom starts crying, dad starts yelling >frozen in fear, faint like a bitch >wake up in my bed, dad carried me >new ps2 and cake on nightstand >cry all night >next morning, it never happened >parents have literally never brought it up again >its been 18 years >dad buys new couch this weekend for living room >dad and I carry it into the living room >put it down, he thanks me and starts heading upstairs >iay on new couch to watch tv >dad turns around and looks at me >"try to be gentle with this one" >fingerguns.gif >mfw
File: 212333.png (60 KB, 500x751) O Anonymous 02/04/19(Mon)06:43:07 No.50789300 (F Anon, what is your most cringe/embarrassing story? The s >be me >11 year old latchkey kid >always f------ horny >rub my d--- on everything in the house >eventually stick d--- into leather couch cushions >feelsgood.jpg >c-- all over cushions, clean with wet rag >do this afterschool everyday for a month >couch is basically first girlfriend >birthday comes around on a weekday >get home and start undressing >kneel in front of her and rub her cushions >happybirthdaytome >spit on my d--- and start pounding sad birthday pepe >push down on cushions for more pressure >start to c-- when parents burst in with gifts >stare at each other as I'm finishing >mom starts crying, dad starts yelling >frozen in fear, faint like a bitch >wake up in my bed, dad carried me >new ps2 and cake on nightstand >cry all night >next morning, it never happened >parents have literally never brought it up again >its been 18 years >dad buys new couch this weekend for living room >dad and I carry it into the living room >put it down, he thanks me and starts heading upstairs >iay on new couch to watch tv >dad turns around and looks at me >"try to be gentle with this one" >fingerguns.gif >mfw

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Can't believe he would say that in front of Steve | /r/Greentext

family feud time bois Anonymous 07/30/19(Tue)20:52:26 No.118860471 >>118860921 >Steve Harvey: "We asked 100 people, what is the male reproductive organ?" >Contestant: "The penis" >SH: "A WUH... HUH??" >audience erupts into laughter >Steve Harvey grabs onto podium to support himself >laughter gets even louder >SH: "O lordy.." >one man goes into cardiac arrest and many others begin vomiting profusely from laughing too hard >SH: "YOU PEOPLE NEED HELP" >the Earth shatters and Satan rises from the underworld to claim unworthy souls >the universe begins rapidly closing in on itself >SH: (putting on a weary voice) "Survey says..." >the board shows 100 for "penis" >Harvey is able to get off one more shocked look before existence as we know it comes to an end
family feud time bois Anonymous 07/30/19(Tue)20:52:26 No.118860471 >>118860921 >Steve Harvey: "We asked 100 people, what is the male reproductive organ?" >Contestant: "The penis" >SH: "A WUH... HUH??" >audience erupts into laughter >Steve Harvey grabs onto podium to support himself >laughter gets even louder >SH: "O lordy.." >one man goes into cardiac arrest and many others begin vomiting profusely from laughing too hard >SH: "YOU PEOPLE NEED HELP" >the Earth shatters and Satan rises from the underworld to claim unworthy souls >the universe begins rapidly closing in on itself >SH: (putting on a weary voice) "Survey says..." >the board shows 100 for "penis" >Harvey is able to get off one more shocked look before existence as we know it comes to an end

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Anon is an entrepreneur | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 02/03/21(Wed)22:07:50 No.846494030 EZ money >make a bunch of Reddit accounts >make a bunch of very fake tweets with black people as the profile pic >upload to r/blackpeopletwitter >gain a bunch of karma on the accounts 11 KB JPG >sell them for $10 each >been doing this for six months, made $620 for doing almost nothing
: Anonymous 02/03/21(Wed)22:07:50 No.846494030 EZ money >make a bunch of Reddit accounts >make a bunch of very fake tweets with black people as the profile pic >upload to r/blackpeopletwitter >gain a bunch of karma on the accounts 11 KB JPG >sell them for $10 each >been doing this for six months, made $620 for doing almost nothing

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