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Zuckerberg Saves Anon | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 03/22/21(Mon)11:33:13 No.62864055 >2046 >This is it, my life is over. Everything is crashing down upon me >Wife left me after my weight surpassed 350lbs >Zuckerberg re-elected to serve second 741 KB JPG term >Won after 3.6 million electronic Facebook-ballots found during recount, independent fact checkers verify them as legit >The line between what is content and what is me continues to become more and more muddled as the algorithms come to know me better than I know myself >Life is meaningless, got useless degree in Internet Influencer Sciences >How can I influence others if I can't even influence myself? >Begin to see advertisements for rope >Begin to see suspiciously specific advertisements for rope that is guaranteed to hold 350lbs or more >Ads know its time... I know its time... >Buy rope, head to local park. A tree I used to climb when I was a kid. Last place I know of that doesn't have ads. >Tie noose... this is it >Fleet of black sedans screech into park, surround me >Zuckerberg exits vehicle, inches towards me >Hands me 9 mil Ruger hand gun > "Use this, it will be less painful" >Cartwheels back to car, winks at me, drives away Thanks, Zuck
: Anonymous 03/22/21(Mon)11:33:13 No.62864055 >2046 >This is it, my life is over. Everything is crashing down upon me >Wife left me after my weight surpassed 350lbs >Zuckerberg re-elected to serve second 741 KB JPG term >Won after 3.6 million electronic Facebook-ballots found during recount, independent fact checkers verify them as legit >The line between what is content and what is me continues to become more and more muddled as the algorithms come to know me better than I know myself >Life is meaningless, got useless degree in Internet Influencer Sciences >How can I influence others if I can't even influence myself? >Begin to see advertisements for rope >Begin to see suspiciously specific advertisements for rope that is guaranteed to hold 350lbs or more >Ads know its time... I know its time... >Buy rope, head to local park. A tree I used to climb when I was a kid. Last place I know of that doesn't have ads. >Tie noose... this is it >Fleet of black sedans screech into park, surround me >Zuckerberg exits vehicle, inches towards me >Hands me 9 mil Ruger hand gun > "Use this, it will be less painful" >Cartwheels back to car, winks at me, drives away Thanks, Zuck

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Anon likes computers | /r/Greentext

>be me >kinda poor, live with family doing stupid work for them >hate my life wanna get the f--- out of there >have a knack for fixing computers >picrelated >family gives me a broken computer to fix 150 KB JPG >okaywhatever.jpg >on computer is a message for this old dudel know on the other side of town >whatthefuck.avi >take the computer to the weird guy >walk through bad part of town and get attacked by the f------ locals (insane) >weird guy saves me >give computer to him >he decides he needs my help to rescue somebody >what >we leave town, he's in trouble with the cops and get's chased out >whatthefuck have I gotten myself into??? >meet some weird guy who has a very large furry dog who he takes everywhere with him >Weird guy straight up murders somebody in front of us. >We find the person the old guy's trying to save >tbh she's pretty hot >hope she's not my sister Anyway then I blew up the deathstar.
>be me >kinda poor, live with family doing stupid work for them >hate my life wanna get the f--- out of there >have a knack for fixing computers >picrelated >family gives me a broken computer to fix 150 KB JPG >okaywhatever.jpg >on computer is a message for this old dudel know on the other side of town >whatthefuck.avi >take the computer to the weird guy >walk through bad part of town and get attacked by the f------ locals (insane) >weird guy saves me >give computer to him >he decides he needs my help to rescue somebody >what >we leave town, he's in trouble with the cops and get's chased out >whatthefuck have I gotten myself into??? >meet some weird guy who has a very large furry dog who he takes everywhere with him >Weird guy straight up murders somebody in front of us. >We find the person the old guy's trying to save >tbh she's pretty hot >hope she's not my sister Anyway then I blew up the deathstar.

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Anon becomes a mom | /r/Greentext

(Return] (Catalog) [Bottom] [Update] [ Auto] 6 23 / 4/16/3 File: 39121e4db703793d2f1f888d3(..).jpg (39 KB, 470x500) Anonymous 08/12/20(Wed)17:57:10 No.834132595 22834133294 >>834132683 >>834132875 >>834133068 >>834133238 >be me >eating breakfast with my 16 blue-haured year old daughter >starts talking about cultural appropriation and other b------- to me >whatever.jpg >she starts going off about trannies and pronouns >can't help it, i start to laugh >she asks why >tell her trans people don't get to dictate my language >daughter literally starts crying >tries to argue, but can only stutter >runs off to her room >wife just shakes her head at me Anonymous 08/12/20(Wed)17:59:03 No.834132683 >>834132922 >834132977 >>834132595 (OP). Pics of daughter or it didn't happen. Anonymous 08/12/20(Wed)18:03:03 No.834132875 >>834132595 (OP). top kek >daughter locks herself in her room for 3 f------ hours >when she finally comes back, her eyes are still bloodshot from crying >has a s--- eating grin on her face >starts referring to me with she/her pronouns >whatever2bigigloo.jpg >follows me around all day going out of her way to misgender me >right before I lose my patience, i get an idea >i just roll with it >tell her to not refer to me as 'dad", but 'mom' >she looks confused Anonymous 08/12/20(Wed)18:04:47 No.834132977 34133042 4133139 83413327 2s831133406 234114 634133461 File: eb5cBzb.jpg (36 KB, 600x800) >tell my wife to start calling me Davina instead of David >daughter is visibly uncomfortable >i start talking in an obnoxious effeminate voice >daughter waddles back into her room in tears again >wife is still unamused >stop off at party city on the way back home from work the next day >buy a cheap ass blonde wig >start wearing it around the house >daughter can't take it anymore Stop it dad, this isn't funny! > tell her to stop being a bigoted transphobe >she is trapped, doesn't know what to do or say >wife tries to keep a straight face >might just have her teach me how to put on makeup >this is not over yet >>834132683 Ok, you asked for it
(Return] (Catalog) [Bottom] [Update] [ Auto] 6 23 / 4/16/3 File: 39121e4db703793d2f1f888d3(..).jpg (39 KB, 470x500) Anonymous 08/12/20(Wed)17:57:10 No.834132595 22834133294 >>834132683 >>834132875 >>834133068 >>834133238 >be me >eating breakfast with my 16 blue-haured year old daughter >starts talking about cultural appropriation and other b------- to me >whatever.jpg >she starts going off about trannies and pronouns >can't help it, i start to laugh >she asks why >tell her trans people don't get to dictate my language >daughter literally starts crying >tries to argue, but can only stutter >runs off to her room >wife just shakes her head at me Anonymous 08/12/20(Wed)17:59:03 No.834132683 >>834132922 >834132977 >>834132595 (OP). Pics of daughter or it didn't happen. Anonymous 08/12/20(Wed)18:03:03 No.834132875 >>834132595 (OP). top kek >daughter locks herself in her room for 3 f------ hours >when she finally comes back, her eyes are still bloodshot from crying >has a s--- eating grin on her face >starts referring to me with she/her pronouns >whatever2bigigloo.jpg >follows me around all day going out of her way to misgender me >right before I lose my patience, i get an idea >i just roll with it >tell her to not refer to me as 'dad", but 'mom' >she looks confused Anonymous 08/12/20(Wed)18:04:47 No.834132977 34133042 4133139 83413327 2s831133406 234114 634133461 File: eb5cBzb.jpg (36 KB, 600x800) >tell my wife to start calling me Davina instead of David >daughter is visibly uncomfortable >i start talking in an obnoxious effeminate voice >daughter waddles back into her room in tears again >wife is still unamused >stop off at party city on the way back home from work the next day >buy a cheap ass blonde wig >start wearing it around the house >daughter can't take it anymore Stop it dad, this isn't funny! > tell her to stop being a bigoted transphobe >she is trapped, doesn't know what to do or say >wife tries to keep a straight face >might just have her teach me how to put on makeup >this is not over yet >>834132683 Ok, you asked for it

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anon goes to get a haircut | /r/Greentext

File: deadmeme.png (96 KB, 241x228) Anonymous 08/10/15(Mon)12:16:49 No.21278443 [Reply] >go get haircut >haircut person starts talking to you O Anonymous 08/10/15(Mon)12:17:23 No.21278460 >haircut person jesus christ.
File: deadmeme.png (96 KB, 241x228) Anonymous 08/10/15(Mon)12:16:49 No.21278443 [Reply] >go get haircut >haircut person starts talking to you O Anonymous 08/10/15(Mon)12:17:23 No.21278460 >haircut person jesus christ.

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Anon gets justice | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 03/22/21(Mon)14:26:22 No.62865424 >be 17 in hs >have gf with ugly duckling syndrome OR >eventually, her stacey friend tells her to dump me because she can 110 KB JPG do better >stay forever alone for 5+ years >be 3 months ago >get normiebook and stalk my ex from long ago >read her passionate FB post about how her best friend was slammed into by a garbage truck and died while driving to work >mfw it was Stacy
: Anonymous 03/22/21(Mon)14:26:22 No.62865424 >be 17 in hs >have gf with ugly duckling syndrome OR >eventually, her stacey friend tells her to dump me because she can 110 KB JPG do better >stay forever alone for 5+ years >be 3 months ago >get normiebook and stalk my ex from long ago >read her passionate FB post about how her best friend was slammed into by a garbage truck and died while driving to work >mfw it was Stacy

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Femanon exercises her big girl rights. | /r/Greentext

: Couch !ncKvmqq0Bs 03/22/21(Mon)06:46:02 No.62860960 >sitting around >decide to go to store >see wine >decide to buy it since I'm a big girl now >guy at store is like "uh .you got an 65 KB PNG ID?" >whip out my ID and bam! >buy wine for the first time ever >get home >realize I can't open it cause no cork opener >.. . >>62861263 # : Anonymous 03/22/21(Mon)07:28:38 No.62861263 >>62860960 # >>realize I can't open it cause no cork opener I LOLed. But was there seriously no corkscrew in the whole house? Not even a Swiss Army Knife?
: Couch !ncKvmqq0Bs 03/22/21(Mon)06:46:02 No.62860960 >sitting around >decide to go to store >see wine >decide to buy it since I'm a big girl now >guy at store is like "uh .you got an 65 KB PNG ID?" >whip out my ID and bam! >buy wine for the first time ever >get home >realize I can't open it cause no cork opener >.. . >>62861263 # : Anonymous 03/22/21(Mon)07:28:38 No.62861263 >>62860960 # >>realize I can't open it cause no cork opener I LOLed. But was there seriously no corkscrew in the whole house? Not even a Swiss Army Knife?

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anon has a date | /r/Greentext

You wanna go out sometime? I have a d--- .a few weeks later. Anonymous 03/22/21(Mon)08:37:27 No.850212727 [Reply] >>850218453 >>850218870 >be t----- >start a tinder where I don't tell anyone I have a d--- >get matches >guys want meet up >guys want to smash my non-existent p--- >date on Tuesday >too scared to tell him I have a d--- pic unrelated
You wanna go out sometime? I have a d--- .a few weeks later. Anonymous 03/22/21(Mon)08:37:27 No.850212727 [Reply] >>850218453 >>850218870 >be t----- >start a tinder where I don't tell anyone I have a d--- >get matches >guys want meet up >guys want to smash my non-existent p--- >date on Tuesday >too scared to tell him I have a d--- pic unrelated

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Anon is prepared | /r/Greentext

Anonymous ID: 5FdjSAe3 No.579192905 55 seconds ago >be me >Carry gun around the house >gf asks why gun >look her dead in eye >"m------------ Decepticons" >she laughed >l laughed >toaster laughed >shoot toaster >nottoday.gif
Anonymous ID: 5FdjSAe3 No.579192905 55 seconds ago >be me >Carry gun around the house >gf asks why gun >look her dead in eye >"m------------ Decepticons" >she laughed >l laughed >toaster laughed >shoot toaster >nottoday.gif

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Anon is a stoic | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 01/13/18(Sat)09:06:41 No.10531852 >walking home at night >pass a group of youths >one of them tells me I dropped my gay card >I look down for it and 71 KB JPG realise l've been the victim of a practical joke >l am unmoved, I tell the youth that his provocations are futile because I am a stoic >he bursts out laughing and says it's pronounced stow-ic, not stoike >break down and cry in the street >>10532164 # >>10532217 # >>10532453 # >>10532459 #3
: Anonymous 01/13/18(Sat)09:06:41 No.10531852 >walking home at night >pass a group of youths >one of them tells me I dropped my gay card >I look down for it and 71 KB JPG realise l've been the victim of a practical joke >l am unmoved, I tell the youth that his provocations are futile because I am a stoic >he bursts out laughing and says it's pronounced stow-ic, not stoike >break down and cry in the street >>10532164 # >>10532217 # >>10532453 # >>10532459 #3

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Anon becomes rich with this one simple trick | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 03/22/21(Mon)19:19:25 No.850243563 >be me >straight >not a lot of money due to covid >gay friend works as a payboy >tells me there are a lot of people looking for young male doms >say f--- it and decide to try it out 198 KB JPG >only through webcam because of the virus >actually don't care about the virus >just don't want to see naked men irl >somehow get clients >don't know what the f--- I do >just call them pieces of s--- and f----- >make close to 5k every month >literally easiest job I ever had W-- /b/ros, why did nobody ever tell me making money could be this easy? 1 Reply View Thread
: Anonymous 03/22/21(Mon)19:19:25 No.850243563 >be me >straight >not a lot of money due to covid >gay friend works as a payboy >tells me there are a lot of people looking for young male doms >say f--- it and decide to try it out 198 KB JPG >only through webcam because of the virus >actually don't care about the virus >just don't want to see naked men irl >somehow get clients >don't know what the f--- I do >just call them pieces of s--- and f----- >make close to 5k every month >literally easiest job I ever had W-- /b/ros, why did nobody ever tell me making money could be this easy? 1 Reply View Thread

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Anon learns to breathe | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous Breathing on purpose 03/22/21 (Mon)13:10:21 No.2063338 > be me > recalled from science class that breathing is involuntary > decide to do an experiment > think about breathing > try not to breate > works 37 KB JPG > try to breathe > works >I am in control now > forget how to re engage automatic breathing > cannot breathe unless consciously thinking about it > inhale > exhale > this is my life now > mfw View Thread
: Anonymous Breathing on purpose 03/22/21 (Mon)13:10:21 No.2063338 > be me > recalled from science class that breathing is involuntary > decide to do an experiment > think about breathing > try not to breate > works 37 KB JPG > try to breathe > works >I am in control now > forget how to re engage automatic breathing > cannot breathe unless consciously thinking about it > inhale > exhale > this is my life now > mfw View Thread

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Anon has an android phone | /r/Greentext

Alright 4chin time for a real story >be on long road trip >15 passenger van >all iphones >everyone 157 KB GIF >be only one with android >everyone's batteries dying >all iphones die first >my phone finally falls >hear voice say "Having an android isn't so great anymore is it" >don't even say anything back >pull out wallet >wallet has spare battery >change battery in front of everyone on f----- bus >theirfaceswhen.gif >f--- around on phone rest of trip >apple f------ asking to use superior device >deny everyone >finally arrive at destination >everyone whipping out chargers >sit there with smirk and 73% battery >everyone butthurt and won't talk to me And that's how I lost all my friends
Alright 4chin time for a real story >be on long road trip >15 passenger van >all iphones >everyone 157 KB GIF >be only one with android >everyone's batteries dying >all iphones die first >my phone finally falls >hear voice say "Having an android isn't so great anymore is it" >don't even say anything back >pull out wallet >wallet has spare battery >change battery in front of everyone on f----- bus >theirfaceswhen.gif >f--- around on phone rest of trip >apple f------ asking to use superior device >deny everyone >finally arrive at destination >everyone whipping out chargers >sit there with smirk and 73% battery >everyone butthurt and won't talk to me And that's how I lost all my friends

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Gives me a fuzzy feeling ngl | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 35235100 2 hr ago >Be me a year ago >Parents basically force me to not be a NEET anymore >Gives me ultimatum. If I don't land a job in 2 months I will be kicked out >Panic, go to every store of any kind in a huge radius, dropping a poorly put together "CV' >Do my best to be normie like during all of this. Put on plain color t-shirt, jeans, and wear a cap since I have no idea how to do hair >Manage to land job in a retail store >Full-time >Job is pretty chill. No one there knows me, its like a second beginning. >Generally just talk with coworkers the best I can. Do my best to be nice. >Every time I'm awkward I just own it instead of trying to excuse it. >A year of this goes on. >During christmas, there is a store christmas dinner in town >Go with, because why not. Im not hated by these people. >As the night goes on, I realize I am not excluded or the butt of all the jokes. >My coworkers like me >My parents are proud I have a full time job >l feel like I have my s--- together I think I have started the slow climb to normiedom. Wish me luck
Anonymous 35235100 2 hr ago >Be me a year ago >Parents basically force me to not be a NEET anymore >Gives me ultimatum. If I don't land a job in 2 months I will be kicked out >Panic, go to every store of any kind in a huge radius, dropping a poorly put together "CV' >Do my best to be normie like during all of this. Put on plain color t-shirt, jeans, and wear a cap since I have no idea how to do hair >Manage to land job in a retail store >Full-time >Job is pretty chill. No one there knows me, its like a second beginning. >Generally just talk with coworkers the best I can. Do my best to be nice. >Every time I'm awkward I just own it instead of trying to excuse it. >A year of this goes on. >During christmas, there is a store christmas dinner in town >Go with, because why not. Im not hated by these people. >As the night goes on, I realize I am not excluded or the butt of all the jokes. >My coworkers like me >My parents are proud I have a full time job >l feel like I have my s--- together I think I have started the slow climb to normiedom. Wish me luck

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Anon gets accepted | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 08/23/19(Fri)08:26:22 No.807817159 >hear that 4chan is filled with elite hackers >open browser and go to 4chan >my laptop camera scans my retina >"permission granted" >holy mackerel these guys are elite! >l get a message on my phone from an unknown number 381 KB JPG >"put all your fingers on the trackpad" >l put my fingers on the trackpad and my fingerprints are burned off >holy f--- >mfw they initiate me into their anti-establishment hacker group >mfw we're going to flip society on their head >lol just kidding >they're just a bunch of retards
: Anonymous 08/23/19(Fri)08:26:22 No.807817159 >hear that 4chan is filled with elite hackers >open browser and go to 4chan >my laptop camera scans my retina >"permission granted" >holy mackerel these guys are elite! >l get a message on my phone from an unknown number 381 KB JPG >"put all your fingers on the trackpad" >l put my fingers on the trackpad and my fingerprints are burned off >holy f--- >mfw they initiate me into their anti-establishment hacker group >mfw we're going to flip society on their head >lol just kidding >they're just a bunch of retards

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Correlation? Causation? | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 03/22/21(Mon)06:48:47 No.62861902 >>62861905 >Americans go to sleep >all the h--- threads disappear hmmm really makes you think Anonymous 03/22/21(Mon)06:49:29 No.62861905 ► [AWOOING STOPS] >>62861902 (OP) # America is a f-- nation, what else is new?
Anonymous 03/22/21(Mon)06:48:47 No.62861902 >>62861905 >Americans go to sleep >all the h--- threads disappear hmmm really makes you think Anonymous 03/22/21(Mon)06:49:29 No.62861905 ► [AWOOING STOPS] >>62861902 (OP) # America is a f-- nation, what else is new?

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Anon makes a lifelong friend | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 01/19/15(Mon)19:14:03 No.593700140 File: creamy.jpg (25 KB, 350x250) >>593700838 > 1st grade > on the bus going to school > feel unusual tummy rumbles > toomuchluckycharms.sys > spew rainbow colored vomit all over bus seat > feel much better > Look over to the next seat > little girl is staring at me with a look of pure terror > bus arrives at school > tell girl not to tell anyone > build some dank lego castles later > mfw no one found out it was me Anonymous 01/19/15(Mon)19:17:31 No.593700838 >>593703944 >>593715629 >>593715785 >>593700140 >kindergarten >1st grader vomits rainbows in seat next to me >tells me not to tell anyone >shows me his penis >legit scared now >starts rubbing his penis in cereal vomit >holds up finger and makes 'shhhh' noise >get off bus >see him walking outside later >he is holding 2 legos that are put together >kept saying "look at my castle guys"
Anonymous 01/19/15(Mon)19:14:03 No.593700140 File: creamy.jpg (25 KB, 350x250) >>593700838 > 1st grade > on the bus going to school > feel unusual tummy rumbles > toomuchluckycharms.sys > spew rainbow colored vomit all over bus seat > feel much better > Look over to the next seat > little girl is staring at me with a look of pure terror > bus arrives at school > tell girl not to tell anyone > build some dank lego castles later > mfw no one found out it was me Anonymous 01/19/15(Mon)19:17:31 No.593700838 >>593703944 >>593715629 >>593715785 >>593700140 >kindergarten >1st grader vomits rainbows in seat next to me >tells me not to tell anyone >shows me his penis >legit scared now >starts rubbing his penis in cereal vomit >holds up finger and makes 'shhhh' noise >get off bus >see him walking outside later >he is holding 2 legos that are put together >kept saying "look at my castle guys"

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Anon posts a repost | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 12/11/20(Fri)15:05:07 No.842084944 >be me >post based greentext >screenshot and crop it >go to r/greentext >post it there for 100k karma >someone else has already posted it >get called a f----- for re-posting 105 KB JPG someone else's post of my post f--- reddit
: Anonymous 12/11/20(Fri)15:05:07 No.842084944 >be me >post based greentext >screenshot and crop it >go to r/greentext >post it there for 100k karma >someone else has already posted it >get called a f----- for re-posting 105 KB JPG someone else's post of my post f--- reddit

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Anon profits from Columbine | /r/Greentext

onymous 12/27/18(Thu)12:26:40 No.788358682 >be me >sophomore in highschool >1999 >picked on EVERY. F------. DAY >always "haha you're a f----- anon" "f--- anon he's weird" "get a life anon" 9 KB JPG >then one day something happened >something magical >FUCKINGCOLUMBINE.Jpeg >suddenly I'm not so weird >suddenly people say “hey anon how you doing today?" "Hey anon there's a party at chads house tonight you should come" >mfw columbine improved my highschool life 500% because these normies thought I was gonna go Library squad on them Felt good man.
onymous 12/27/18(Thu)12:26:40 No.788358682 >be me >sophomore in highschool >1999 >picked on EVERY. F------. DAY >always "haha you're a f----- anon" "f--- anon he's weird" "get a life anon" 9 KB JPG >then one day something happened >something magical >FUCKINGCOLUMBINE.Jpeg >suddenly I'm not so weird >suddenly people say “hey anon how you doing today?" "Hey anon there's a party at chads house tonight you should come" >mfw columbine improved my highschool life 500% because these normies thought I was gonna go Library squad on them Felt good man.

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Anon Asks a Question | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 03/22/21(Mon)08:25:03 No.850224142 dafuq? >parents wont let me take the vaccine >they have seen SCIENTIFIC FACEBOOK VIDEOS > what do 148 KB PNG 17 Replies / 1 Image View Thread
: Anonymous 03/22/21(Mon)08:25:03 No.850224142 dafuq? >parents wont let me take the vaccine >they have seen SCIENTIFIC FACEBOOK VIDEOS > what do 148 KB PNG 17 Replies / 1 Image View Thread

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Anon has a Plan | /r/Greentext

21m (3/22 11:41) · 549054285 17 Re · 5 Img · PNG · 970KB · (1200 × 1100) 4 Replies >Playing vidya with friend >"Whoever loses has to follow the winner's orders for 24 hours" >Lose on purpose >l turn into his pet for 24 hours and suck his c--- while being humiliated I'm literally the smartest ... やれやれ… つ%n こぁ 向日葵は
21m (3/22 11:41) · 549054285 17 Re · 5 Img · PNG · 970KB · (1200 × 1100) 4 Replies >Playing vidya with friend >"Whoever loses has to follow the winner's orders for 24 hours" >Lose on purpose >l turn into his pet for 24 hours and suck his c--- while being humiliated I'm literally the smartest ... やれやれ… つ%n こぁ 向日葵は

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