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Anon works in a suicide prevention hotline. | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 06/19/18(Tue)06:39:13 No.771942963 Hey /b/ I work at a suicide prevention hotline based in the Midwest. Ask me anything while I tell you stories. Let's start with a nice one: 25 KB JPG >Be me, just getting off call with a girl who wanted to kill herself over some guy leaving >Logging the notes of the call while microwaving a soft pretzel >F--- me those pretzels are good >Phone on desk starts to ring >Rush back and pick it up >An old raspy sounding man starts talking >Ask me "Do you got time for a story" >Have to respond yes >Think he is going to tell me a depressing war story, or his entire life story >Old people do that a lot >Guy responds "You ever heard of animal farm" >l'm a f------ retard >think he's talking about a literal farm, they are everywhere here >l ask him to clarify >"You know the book" >Nope.com >"Oh perfect" >The old man starts reading me animal farm >He does different voices for all the characters unism I had to ask him to call back later after about 20 minutes, we were getting more calls. Old man, if you are out there somewhere thanks for the best f------ night shift I ever had. 132 Replies / 28 Images View Thread
: Anonymous 06/19/18(Tue)06:39:13 No.771942963 Hey /b/ I work at a suicide prevention hotline based in the Midwest. Ask me anything while I tell you stories. Let's start with a nice one: 25 KB JPG >Be me, just getting off call with a girl who wanted to kill herself over some guy leaving >Logging the notes of the call while microwaving a soft pretzel >F--- me those pretzels are good >Phone on desk starts to ring >Rush back and pick it up >An old raspy sounding man starts talking >Ask me "Do you got time for a story" >Have to respond yes >Think he is going to tell me a depressing war story, or his entire life story >Old people do that a lot >Guy responds "You ever heard of animal farm" >l'm a f------ retard >think he's talking about a literal farm, they are everywhere here >l ask him to clarify >"You know the book" >Nope.com >"Oh perfect" >The old man starts reading me animal farm >He does different voices for all the characters unism I had to ask him to call back later after about 20 minutes, we were getting more calls. Old man, if you are out there somewhere thanks for the best f------ night shift I ever had. 132 Replies / 28 Images View Thread

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Anon cuts onion | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 07/23/19(Tue)16:41:47 No.51699198 >me, 4 years ago >24 >disgustingly obese piece of garbage >best friend fit as hell >tells me i should lose weight, never pushing it on me too much tho >keep telling him i could, if i wanted to, but i don't care >yeah... sure... >one day he signs me up for gym membership and offers to pay for it >"i just want a gym buddy, bruh. you don't have to do much, if you don't want to." >okaythen.jpg >friend gets into car accident 2 days later >dies. >m------------ dies. have not skipped a gym day since. lost ~200lbs (90kg) that first year. keeping it up to become the f------ bear he always told me i could be, if i cared and was disciplined enough. i'm gonna make it, bro. i'm gonna make it. >>51699222 # >>51699394 # >>51699701 # >>51699902 # >>51700551 # >>51701276 #
: Anonymous 07/23/19(Tue)16:41:47 No.51699198 >me, 4 years ago >24 >disgustingly obese piece of garbage >best friend fit as hell >tells me i should lose weight, never pushing it on me too much tho >keep telling him i could, if i wanted to, but i don't care >yeah... sure... >one day he signs me up for gym membership and offers to pay for it >"i just want a gym buddy, bruh. you don't have to do much, if you don't want to." >okaythen.jpg >friend gets into car accident 2 days later >dies. >m------------ dies. have not skipped a gym day since. lost ~200lbs (90kg) that first year. keeping it up to become the f------ bear he always told me i could be, if i cared and was disciplined enough. i'm gonna make it, bro. i'm gonna make it. >>51699222 # >>51699394 # >>51699701 # >>51699902 # >>51700551 # >>51701276 #

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Anon is too shy | /r/Greentext

O Marcissus IN9EDLMFSKI 08/11/11(Thu)12:43 No.8767351 File 1313080993 png-(9 KB, 288x350, 1310957042554 png) >walking down street >group of hot girls ahead on sidewalk >oh f--- >aspie overload >cross street to avoid social WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS contact >they notice me crossing >they giggle >f--- this i'll just pretend i live at this house" >go down random driveway >curtains shuffle >middle aged woman stars at me out the window >tum around fast >3 girls stood staring at me >this is their house >rapidly think of plan B >'have you accepted jesus as your lord and saviour?
O Marcissus IN9EDLMFSKI 08/11/11(Thu)12:43 No.8767351 File 1313080993 png-(9 KB, 288x350, 1310957042554 png) >walking down street >group of hot girls ahead on sidewalk >oh f--- >aspie overload >cross street to avoid social WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS contact >they notice me crossing >they giggle >f--- this i'll just pretend i live at this house" >go down random driveway >curtains shuffle >middle aged woman stars at me out the window >tum around fast >3 girls stood staring at me >this is their house >rapidly think of plan B >'have you accepted jesus as your lord and saviour?

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Anon discovers the truth | /r/Greentext


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innovation genius | /r/Greentext

feels good man >Be me >Taking dump in public restroom >Keep wiping and wiping but it seems like the s--- isnt coming off >In a rush so starting to get irritated >Remember that old trick of using saliva to clean smudges off your face >Spit on toilet paper >Wipe it on my ass >Wait 10 seconds for it to do it's job >Wipe again >No s--- on the TP when I wiped after that >TFW it actually worked If I am to be remembered for anything in my lifetime, let it be for this innovation
feels good man >Be me >Taking dump in public restroom >Keep wiping and wiping but it seems like the s--- isnt coming off >In a rush so starting to get irritated >Remember that old trick of using saliva to clean smudges off your face >Spit on toilet paper >Wipe it on my ass >Wait 10 seconds for it to do it's job >Wipe again >No s--- on the TP when I wiped after that >TFW it actually worked If I am to be remembered for anything in my lifetime, let it be for this innovation

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Anon got swindled | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous Can't even get a prostitute(...) 05/22/21(Sat)14:56:45 No.63788271 160472273626.jpg 11 KB JPG >be me >looking for a prostitute >"you have to pay a percentage first" >l paid >"wait me here, l'll be back in a minute" >wait nearly two hours >guys near by start to laugh >I left
: Anonymous Can't even get a prostitute(...) 05/22/21(Sat)14:56:45 No.63788271 160472273626.jpg 11 KB JPG >be me >looking for a prostitute >"you have to pay a percentage first" >l paid >"wait me here, l'll be back in a minute" >wait nearly two hours >guys near by start to laugh >I left

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Space jam Makes you gay | /r/Greentext

Anonymous1 hour ago 50384873 >have dream about f------ bugs bunny >wake up ??? ??? >not attracted to women anymore what the f---
Anonymous1 hour ago 50384873 >have dream about f------ bugs bunny >wake up ??? ??? >not attracted to women anymore what the f---

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anon realizes depression is cringe | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 05/06/21(Thu)20:52:32 No.853820308 >be me >have deppression >go to hospital for suicidal thoughts >got meds that never 9 KB JPG worked >realize deppression is cringe >litteraly just decide to not have it anymore >mfw it f------ worked 1 Reply View Thread
: Anonymous 05/06/21(Thu)20:52:32 No.853820308 >be me >have deppression >go to hospital for suicidal thoughts >got meds that never 9 KB JPG worked >realize deppression is cringe >litteraly just decide to not have it anymore >mfw it f------ worked 1 Reply View Thread

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Anon hacks women…. | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 05/22/21(Sat)22:39:51 No.855043524 >be me >fat, ugly uneducated NEET >inherit $70k from dead dad >find gorgeous 10/10 egg donor on surrogate website >buy bitches' egg >spend the rest of the money on 275 KB JPG surrogate mother to birth the child >immediately put it up for adoption because I don't actually want it >the mother would never touch me, but I have a kid with her HAHA F--- women
: Anonymous 05/22/21(Sat)22:39:51 No.855043524 >be me >fat, ugly uneducated NEET >inherit $70k from dead dad >find gorgeous 10/10 egg donor on surrogate website >buy bitches' egg >spend the rest of the money on 275 KB JPG surrogate mother to birth the child >immediately put it up for adoption because I don't actually want it >the mother would never touch me, but I have a kid with her HAHA F--- women

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Anon is a sociopath | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous Womanlet Revenge 10/17/17(Tue)20:20:28 No.40480576 >See constant threads about girls s------- on manlets on /r9k/ >Be 6ft 2in white guy >Be borderline sociopathic, barely have any empathy >Use Tinder and match with only 53 KB PNG really short girls >Exclusively seek out shorter girls (5ft 4in or below) >Talk to them and casually bring about short guys >if any of them talk s--- about manlets or say they're gross, I start pursuing them harder >Ask them out with the promise of sex >Take a small bottle of mustard water and hide it in my jacket >Go to the roastie w----- place >Make out or whatever and then right before we're about to f--- ask to be excused and go to the bathroom >down the mustard water >go back to see her >hold back the vomit >When their clothes come off I immediately start vomiting all over and spray it as much as I can >roastie is horrified >I tell them I find their shortness disgusting and I feel l'd be f------ a child >I leave telling them they shouldnt date tall guys and to stick to manlets I've successfully done this 10 times in the last 6 months. They always end up crying or freaking out and I j------- to that thought when I get home. I'm doing this for you my manlet brothers, its not your fault you didn't have the genetic lottery. F--- those roastie w-----. 73 Replies / 21 Images View Thread
: Anonymous Womanlet Revenge 10/17/17(Tue)20:20:28 No.40480576 >See constant threads about girls s------- on manlets on /r9k/ >Be 6ft 2in white guy >Be borderline sociopathic, barely have any empathy >Use Tinder and match with only 53 KB PNG really short girls >Exclusively seek out shorter girls (5ft 4in or below) >Talk to them and casually bring about short guys >if any of them talk s--- about manlets or say they're gross, I start pursuing them harder >Ask them out with the promise of sex >Take a small bottle of mustard water and hide it in my jacket >Go to the roastie w----- place >Make out or whatever and then right before we're about to f--- ask to be excused and go to the bathroom >down the mustard water >go back to see her >hold back the vomit >When their clothes come off I immediately start vomiting all over and spray it as much as I can >roastie is horrified >I tell them I find their shortness disgusting and I feel l'd be f------ a child >I leave telling them they shouldnt date tall guys and to stick to manlets I've successfully done this 10 times in the last 6 months. They always end up crying or freaking out and I j------- to that thought when I get home. I'm doing this for you my manlet brothers, its not your fault you didn't have the genetic lottery. F--- those roastie w-----. 73 Replies / 21 Images View Thread

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Based anon | /r/Greentext

>Be me >Have job >Been working there for almost 4 years >Apply to new job >Have interview >lt goes well. They call in less than an hour after the interview and offer me a job, paying about 7K more than my current job >Tell work I'm leaving >They call me 20 minutes later and offer me a 10K raise to stay >mfw I now make an additional 10K a year >mfw I work remotely and do nothing all day but play vidya >mfw my master plan fell into place seamlessly because I just wanted more money and would never leave the eternal comfy of permanent "remote work." How can one man be so based?
>Be me >Have job >Been working there for almost 4 years >Apply to new job >Have interview >lt goes well. They call in less than an hour after the interview and offer me a job, paying about 7K more than my current job >Tell work I'm leaving >They call me 20 minutes later and offer me a 10K raise to stay >mfw I now make an additional 10K a year >mfw I work remotely and do nothing all day but play vidya >mfw my master plan fell into place seamlessly because I just wanted more money and would never leave the eternal comfy of permanent "remote work." How can one man be so based?

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Anon needs some help | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 05/22/21(Sat)19:31:06 No.63786587 What weighs more. >An infinte ammount of 1kg m weights >An infinite ammount of 500 gram weights 49 KB JPG
: Anonymous 05/22/21(Sat)19:31:06 No.63786587 What weighs more. >An infinte ammount of 1kg m weights >An infinite ammount of 500 gram weights 49 KB JPG

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Anon is done for | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous Heart pains 05/22/21(Sat)13:25:00 No.63782206 >go to bed >you have a gripping pain in your chest >it spreads to the left side of your neck isa ukko >can't sleep 17 KB JPG Guys am I gonna have a frickin heart attack? I made a thread about this yesterday and a medanon told me it's all good if it's not in my neck. Well it is. I don't even drink or smoke REE : Anonymous 05/22/21(Sat)15:07:38 No.63783066 >might have a heart attack >better post on 4chan I hope it kills you
: Anonymous Heart pains 05/22/21(Sat)13:25:00 No.63782206 >go to bed >you have a gripping pain in your chest >it spreads to the left side of your neck isa ukko >can't sleep 17 KB JPG Guys am I gonna have a frickin heart attack? I made a thread about this yesterday and a medanon told me it's all good if it's not in my neck. Well it is. I don't even drink or smoke REE : Anonymous 05/22/21(Sat)15:07:38 No.63783066 >might have a heart attack >better post on 4chan I hope it kills you

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Anon has a job | /r/Greentext

FBI CDI > be me > Work for 3 letter goveYOment agenCY > Have to take hour long classes on how to shitpost on 4chan > Get paid a 6 digit income to watch you yetards > Get nice lunch courtesy of the catering > After 9 hoUYS go home to apartment (not married, don't+ care about bUYing a house) > Play Titanfall 2 until 1am, go to sleep, get into work at 9am, and shitpost for 9 hours again. wece
FBI CDI > be me > Work for 3 letter goveYOment agenCY > Have to take hour long classes on how to shitpost on 4chan > Get paid a 6 digit income to watch you yetards > Get nice lunch courtesy of the catering > After 9 hoUYS go home to apartment (not married, don't+ care about bUYing a house) > Play Titanfall 2 until 1am, go to sleep, get into work at 9am, and shitpost for 9 hours again. wece

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Anon's dad self defends | /r/Greentext

The day I lost faith on the justice system The day I lost faith on the ju(...) 05/22/21(Sat)19:40:30 No.63793182 > My dad is minding his own business > Some thug wannabe pulls a knife on him and tells him to give him all of his money > My dad throws his wallet in front of him > Once the thug gets distracted to pick it up, my dad hits him with a tire iron in the 19 KB GIF head > The thug passes out > My dad calls the cops and the ambulance > Mfw the judge doesn't count it as self defense because "the thug hadn't attempted to use the knife on him" > Mfw the thug dies of craneal fracture and internal bleeding on the ambulance > Mfw my dad is judged like a murderer and jailed This happened 4 years ago, and I still have not regained trust in the justice system, remember, cops and judges aren't your friends : Anonymous 05/22/21(Sat)19:48:59 No.63793314 >>63793182 (OP) # This just tells me that if I kill someone in self defense I should bury their body in the back yard and pretend it never happened.
The day I lost faith on the justice system The day I lost faith on the ju(...) 05/22/21(Sat)19:40:30 No.63793182 > My dad is minding his own business > Some thug wannabe pulls a knife on him and tells him to give him all of his money > My dad throws his wallet in front of him > Once the thug gets distracted to pick it up, my dad hits him with a tire iron in the 19 KB GIF head > The thug passes out > My dad calls the cops and the ambulance > Mfw the judge doesn't count it as self defense because "the thug hadn't attempted to use the knife on him" > Mfw the thug dies of craneal fracture and internal bleeding on the ambulance > Mfw my dad is judged like a murderer and jailed This happened 4 years ago, and I still have not regained trust in the justice system, remember, cops and judges aren't your friends : Anonymous 05/22/21(Sat)19:48:59 No.63793314 >>63793182 (OP) # This just tells me that if I kill someone in self defense I should bury their body in the back yard and pretend it never happened.

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anon loves Lola | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 02/26/17(Sun)00:14:33 No.90234969 File: tumblr_Iq86s0gGsE1ql1mqeo(...).jpg (481 KB, 1280x960) >>90235149 >>90236275 >>90236962 Guess what I'm going to do tonight, /co/... NUVEMBER 15 DEANY Dortos Cheetos Lola Bunny CHIC U Anonymous 02/26/17(Sun)00:58:45 No.90236962 File: 1486857967496.jpg (99 KB, 970x990) >>90234969 >Reverse image search >0 results found
Anonymous 02/26/17(Sun)00:14:33 No.90234969 File: tumblr_Iq86s0gGsE1ql1mqeo(...).jpg (481 KB, 1280x960) >>90235149 >>90236275 >>90236962 Guess what I'm going to do tonight, /co/... NUVEMBER 15 DEANY Dortos Cheetos Lola Bunny CHIC U Anonymous 02/26/17(Sun)00:58:45 No.90236962 File: 1486857967496.jpg (99 KB, 970x990) >>90234969 >Reverse image search >0 results found

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Anon is an anatomist | /r/Greentext

File: b37c36cb89fcaac7286flab0f.-).jpg (134 KB, 736x1472) Anonymous 05/22/21(Sat)22:24:03 No.855050527 [Reply] ► >eat food >??? >s--- comes out Do you retards actually believe this?
File: b37c36cb89fcaac7286flab0f.-).jpg (134 KB, 736x1472) Anonymous 05/22/21(Sat)22:24:03 No.855050527 [Reply] ► >eat food >??? >s--- comes out Do you retards actually believe this?

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Anon visits the rapist | /r/Greentext

>tell therapist I'm virgin >she laughs 62 KB JPG
>tell therapist I'm virgin >she laughs 62 KB JPG

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Anon online vs outside | /r/Greentext

>come to this board >get filled with bitterness & hatred >actually go outside & interact with people >all of that anger fades away and I feel happy again 72 KB GIF
>come to this board >get filled with bitterness & hatred >actually go outside & interact with people >all of that anger fades away and I feel happy again 72 KB GIF

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Anon fell for the meme | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 05/22/21(Sat)22:41:52 No.4417164 /biz/ lied to me. I lost 1,000 dollars in Crypto thanks to them. 345 KB JPG 4 Replies / 2 Images View Thread : Anonymous 05/22/21(Sat)23:08:34 No.4417268 >he went to /biz/ for financial advice 1.48 MB GIF
: Anonymous 05/22/21(Sat)22:41:52 No.4417164 /biz/ lied to me. I lost 1,000 dollars in Crypto thanks to them. 345 KB JPG 4 Replies / 2 Images View Thread : Anonymous 05/22/21(Sat)23:08:34 No.4417268 >he went to /biz/ for financial advice 1.48 MB GIF

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