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Anon doesn't like reddit! | /r/Greentext

jpg (54 kB, 940x470) No.780619686 Anonymous 16 min ago Why is reddit inhabited purely with bitter f------ retards / b/? >be me >on reddit >this looks like an okay site me thinks! >pherhaps those 4chan guys were wrong after all >post to r/pics >first submission, wait for the upvotes and comments to role in >it's been ten minutes and nothing.. >finally receive a comment >mod message: You have been banned from r/pics >what the f---! >try to contact mod... >He mutes me >.. Un-f------ real! >l guess 4chan was right after all >lf you can't even post snapshots of ISIS beheading videos, what's even the point of existing.. >back to 4chan I go >feelsbadman.gif
jpg (54 kB, 940x470) No.780619686 Anonymous 16 min ago Why is reddit inhabited purely with bitter f------ retards / b/? >be me >on reddit >this looks like an okay site me thinks! >pherhaps those 4chan guys were wrong after all >post to r/pics >first submission, wait for the upvotes and comments to role in >it's been ten minutes and nothing.. >finally receive a comment >mod message: You have been banned from r/pics >what the f---! >try to contact mod... >He mutes me >.. Un-f------ real! >l guess 4chan was right after all >lf you can't even post snapshots of ISIS beheading videos, what's even the point of existing.. >back to 4chan I go >feelsbadman.gif

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Anon is confused | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 11/23/21(Tue)00:17:49 No.867211172 >almost black friday >they don't sell slaves 40 KB JPG
: Anonymous 11/23/21(Tue)00:17:49 No.867211172 >almost black friday >they don't sell slaves 40 KB JPG

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Anon is autistic | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 1 hour ago 867225397 >be me 2 weeks ago >lonely virgin for 23+ years >meet 9/10 b------- goth girl at bar >we hit it up and talk about our lives and family >ask her out your dad knows about me 10:45 PM / he has been dead for 3 years. 10:46 PM oH 10:46 PM / YOU FUCJIMJ FORGOT??? >she accepts >lifeislookinggood.jpg >a few hours later we are messaging F--- YOU 10:47 PM YOU 10:47 PM each other about the date >decide to ask her if her dad knows WHAY 10:47 PM / Start a message about me GIF >"his been dead for 3 years" She blocked me soon after and doesn't speak to me in person anymore. Why am I so autistic? I just want someone to love me 8 REPLIES
Anonymous 1 hour ago 867225397 >be me 2 weeks ago >lonely virgin for 23+ years >meet 9/10 b------- goth girl at bar >we hit it up and talk about our lives and family >ask her out your dad knows about me 10:45 PM / he has been dead for 3 years. 10:46 PM oH 10:46 PM / YOU FUCJIMJ FORGOT??? >she accepts >lifeislookinggood.jpg >a few hours later we are messaging F--- YOU 10:47 PM YOU 10:47 PM each other about the date >decide to ask her if her dad knows WHAY 10:47 PM / Start a message about me GIF >"his been dead for 3 years" She blocked me soon after and doesn't speak to me in person anymore. Why am I so autistic? I just want someone to love me 8 REPLIES

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autism cockblocks anon | /r/Greentext

>at party >start talking to 6/10 grill >she is actually kinda cute >video gaymes come up >says she a gaymer grill >"what's your favorite game" >she a bit hesitant then says she lately just plays Sims 4 >"yea that one is great with the sex mods" >ffw really just said that >she looks at me like I was some deviant (she was kinda right) >says she has to go but we might chat again so my autism cockblocked me...again
>at party >start talking to 6/10 grill >she is actually kinda cute >video gaymes come up >says she a gaymer grill >"what's your favorite game" >she a bit hesitant then says she lately just plays Sims 4 >"yea that one is great with the sex mods" >ffw really just said that >she looks at me like I was some deviant (she was kinda right) >says she has to go but we might chat again so my autism cockblocked me...again

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Anon finds Reddit for the first time. | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 11/28/18(Wed)18:37:23 No.78605778E >be me >go on Reddit >see that a post has gold and silver >wot.jpg 83 KB JPG >ffw a few weeks >see a post that made me laugh >click on button to give gold >a menu comes up to buy gold >confusion.jpg >click on buy gold >asks for a payment method >what the f--- >some f------ actually spend money to give a medal to posts and comments that they enjoy >mfw
: Anonymous 11/28/18(Wed)18:37:23 No.78605778E >be me >go on Reddit >see that a post has gold and silver >wot.jpg 83 KB JPG >ffw a few weeks >see a post that made me laugh >click on button to give gold >a menu comes up to buy gold >confusion.jpg >click on buy gold >asks for a payment method >what the f--- >some f------ actually spend money to give a medal to posts and comments that they enjoy >mfw

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I'm going to hell for laughing so hard | /r/Greentext

File: 1364423951298.png-(61 KB, 240x160, gdtettiruyr.png) Anonymous (ID: OxtpLED5) 03/27/13(Wed)18:39:11 No.468293760 >>468301051 >Be 20 >just got out of a relationship, was with her for 4 years >she broke up with me out of no where, no reason, no explanation >find out she found someone new, and that she's been cheating on me the whole time >I got really depressed >took some time to recover >fast forward two years >hear she was having a kid >Heard she was going to get married too >l go on living my life >I hear she looses the baby >hanged with friends at my place one night and got drunk >apparently I ask friend to let me borrow her phone >with my friends phone I decided to call my ex for some reason >my friends say it went like this >"hello, can I please speak to miss?" >"Miss what? Could you give me her last name" >"carriage" >phone was on speaker so my friends heard her burst out in anger calling me a f------ a------ and other things >i don't remember ever making that phone call >I'm fun when I'm drunk
File: 1364423951298.png-(61 KB, 240x160, gdtettiruyr.png) Anonymous (ID: OxtpLED5) 03/27/13(Wed)18:39:11 No.468293760 >>468301051 >Be 20 >just got out of a relationship, was with her for 4 years >she broke up with me out of no where, no reason, no explanation >find out she found someone new, and that she's been cheating on me the whole time >I got really depressed >took some time to recover >fast forward two years >hear she was having a kid >Heard she was going to get married too >l go on living my life >I hear she looses the baby >hanged with friends at my place one night and got drunk >apparently I ask friend to let me borrow her phone >with my friends phone I decided to call my ex for some reason >my friends say it went like this >"hello, can I please speak to miss?" >"Miss what? Could you give me her last name" >"carriage" >phone was on speaker so my friends heard her burst out in anger calling me a f------ a------ and other things >i don't remember ever making that phone call >I'm fun when I'm drunk

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Anon’s Sunday Night | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 05/09/21(Sun)14:28:35 No.854002332 >Be me >playing video games on Sunday night >comfy as hell >very invested in game >See a light coming through my 51 KB JPG window. >"Oh s---, I stayed up all night playing video games!" >panicking as I think about another exhausting day at work. >look out window >turns out that it's just the mushroom cloud from a nuclear warhead >crisisaverted.exe
: Anonymous 05/09/21(Sun)14:28:35 No.854002332 >Be me >playing video games on Sunday night >comfy as hell >very invested in game >See a light coming through my 51 KB JPG window. >"Oh s---, I stayed up all night playing video games!" >panicking as I think about another exhausting day at work. >look out window >turns out that it's just the mushroom cloud from a nuclear warhead >crisisaverted.exe

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Anon is a true american | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 5 minutes ago 867197251 : I'MA HERO! >Be american few >Someone's dog puts one millimeter Tew ferA of their paw on your lawn >Waddle out the door with a fully automatic rifle >THATS *wheeze* MAH PROPERTY Attacks Employees Who ask me to >Dog is long gone now, halfway down the street Wear a mask. >Jump on mobility scooter with groans under the weight >I HAVE A RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN TO DEFEND MYSELF >Dog is now playing with a child >I AM UNDER DISTRESS >Fire off 30 shots, hitting both child and dog >THIS IS MAH CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT >Ambulance arrives >Medics(sponsored by McDonald's) roll out the door >Police (sponsored by Doritos) use their shart to propel themselves out the door >YEEEAAP SON, THIS WAS SEALF DEE FEANCE >Ambulance takes away the gun for repairs >Get sentenced to 20 years for not tipping the medics
Anonymous 5 minutes ago 867197251 : I'MA HERO! >Be american few >Someone's dog puts one millimeter Tew ferA of their paw on your lawn >Waddle out the door with a fully automatic rifle >THATS *wheeze* MAH PROPERTY Attacks Employees Who ask me to >Dog is long gone now, halfway down the street Wear a mask. >Jump on mobility scooter with groans under the weight >I HAVE A RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN TO DEFEND MYSELF >Dog is now playing with a child >I AM UNDER DISTRESS >Fire off 30 shots, hitting both child and dog >THIS IS MAH CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT >Ambulance arrives >Medics(sponsored by McDonald's) roll out the door >Police (sponsored by Doritos) use their shart to propel themselves out the door >YEEEAAP SON, THIS WAS SEALF DEE FEANCE >Ambulance takes away the gun for repairs >Get sentenced to 20 years for not tipping the medics

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Risky business | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 11/22/21(Mon)15:05:36 No.66259446 >26 >simp for oneitis for 3 years >she ignores me and dates other guys >her younger sister turns 18 and has been flirting with me since she was 16 >start flirting back and we start dating 33 KB JPG >oneitis calls me a p--- Lol salty w----, her sister is way prettier and probably has a tighter snatch. : Anonymous 11/22/21(Mon)15:06:04 No.66259454 : Anonymous 11/22/21(Mon)15:06:59 No.66259462 >>66259446 (OP) # living the dream senpai sniff both pantsu to tell which one is the one
: Anonymous 11/22/21(Mon)15:05:36 No.66259446 >26 >simp for oneitis for 3 years >she ignores me and dates other guys >her younger sister turns 18 and has been flirting with me since she was 16 >start flirting back and we start dating 33 KB JPG >oneitis calls me a p--- Lol salty w----, her sister is way prettier and probably has a tighter snatch. : Anonymous 11/22/21(Mon)15:06:04 No.66259454 : Anonymous 11/22/21(Mon)15:06:59 No.66259462 >>66259446 (OP) # living the dream senpai sniff both pantsu to tell which one is the one

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Anon finds an irl neckbeard | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 59 minutes ago 867227350 >Be me >uni student >excited for the new pokemon game >go with friend to collect pre-order >big lineup as expected >pull out phones and start meming >Look up briefly >guy in front of us is 500lb neckbeard landwhale >actually wearing a f------ fedora and anime gas mask >literally the definition of an incel neckbeard is standing in front of me >realize not all the memes were memes >feel a little bad since he's here alone >try to spark conversation >"excited for the game?" >muffed grunt under gas mask, followed by: >"Ugh, the art style sucks, im only getting it to finish it." >Boi.gif >gets to front of line >landwhale pre ordered everything, games, art, memorobilia, everything. >doens't all fit in one bag >Leaves store slowly 5 min later >in parking lot >happy with our new games >spot the landwhale already playing the game in the parking lot >Excusemewtf.jpg >actually has a bag of doritos >literally the embodiment of the neckbeard steryotype >we get in my car to go >drive by him >realize he might've actually taken the bus here >feel kinda bad since it's -6 out >good samaritan activate >"hey friend, we should give him a ride, it's freezing out." >friend agrees >"Hey, I noticed you don't have a car. If you live nearby we could give you a ride." >"ugh, no. My mom's gonna pick me up." >did he actually f------ say that >friend looking at him with w-- eyes >drive away TIL that not everything on the internet is untrue. 3 REPLIES
Anonymous 59 minutes ago 867227350 >Be me >uni student >excited for the new pokemon game >go with friend to collect pre-order >big lineup as expected >pull out phones and start meming >Look up briefly >guy in front of us is 500lb neckbeard landwhale >actually wearing a f------ fedora and anime gas mask >literally the definition of an incel neckbeard is standing in front of me >realize not all the memes were memes >feel a little bad since he's here alone >try to spark conversation >"excited for the game?" >muffed grunt under gas mask, followed by: >"Ugh, the art style sucks, im only getting it to finish it." >Boi.gif >gets to front of line >landwhale pre ordered everything, games, art, memorobilia, everything. >doens't all fit in one bag >Leaves store slowly 5 min later >in parking lot >happy with our new games >spot the landwhale already playing the game in the parking lot >Excusemewtf.jpg >actually has a bag of doritos >literally the embodiment of the neckbeard steryotype >we get in my car to go >drive by him >realize he might've actually taken the bus here >feel kinda bad since it's -6 out >good samaritan activate >"hey friend, we should give him a ride, it's freezing out." >friend agrees >"Hey, I noticed you don't have a car. If you live nearby we could give you a ride." >"ugh, no. My mom's gonna pick me up." >did he actually f------ say that >friend looking at him with w-- eyes >drive away TIL that not everything on the internet is untrue. 3 REPLIES

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4chan on police | /r/Greentext

Anonymous (ID: Oi/IMEH0 ) 04/26/14(Sat)01:38:43 No.543898176 >Вe a cop >Patrolling, doing cop things >See a guy driving like 15 miles below the speed limit >Swerving around like a m----------- 36 KB JPG >Can see lots of smoke coming out of his windows >Assume he's blazing it, pull him over >Walk up to his window and he rolls it down >He's got a f------ hot plate plugged into his c-------- lighter >M----------- is making pancakes while driving and burned them
Anonymous (ID: Oi/IMEH0 ) 04/26/14(Sat)01:38:43 No.543898176 >Вe a cop >Patrolling, doing cop things >See a guy driving like 15 miles below the speed limit >Swerving around like a m----------- 36 KB JPG >Can see lots of smoke coming out of his windows >Assume he's blazing it, pull him over >Walk up to his window and he rolls it down >He's got a f------ hot plate plugged into his c-------- lighter >M----------- is making pancakes while driving and burned them

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Anon likes beef | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous (ID: Qy9uYUpw )0 Cow appreciation Thread 11/22/21(Mon)10:59:29 No.348925254 148 1485 Capture d'écran 2021-11-22 à 16.58.47.png 2.27 MB PNG I like cows. Cows are cool. >They provide us with Raw Milk. >They provide us with steaks. >lt makes the k---- and leftoïds seethe. Cows are cool.
: Anonymous (ID: Qy9uYUpw )0 Cow appreciation Thread 11/22/21(Mon)10:59:29 No.348925254 148 1485 Capture d'écran 2021-11-22 à 16.58.47.png 2.27 MB PNG I like cows. Cows are cool. >They provide us with Raw Milk. >They provide us with steaks. >lt makes the k---- and leftoïds seethe. Cows are cool.

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ANON GETS IN TROUBLE | /r/Greentext

/b/ this is my own tard story, this is the story of Hamid. >Be me >Be in 5th grade >First day of school >There is some kid there I don't 77 KB JPG recognize >Teacher says he's a new kid from the middle east >We try to be nice >He says his dad is Pakistani >l don't care, but some kids start calling him p--- >Find out through talking to him a bit that he's not that well up there (I didn't know what a tard is) >FFS 3 days >We're playing soccer >l'm team captain for the game >PE teacher is nowhere to be found >Hamid is in the goal post >I tell him to move since I was playing goalie >He screams and tells me he won't >l scream back >He then runs at me full force with his fist in the air >l just stick my hand out >He falls >Starts jumping up at me screaming >Then I push him to get him away >He starts crying >Teacher comes out >MFW when I get in trouble for not letting him hit me If you want more Hamid stories just ask, I have plenty.
/b/ this is my own tard story, this is the story of Hamid. >Be me >Be in 5th grade >First day of school >There is some kid there I don't 77 KB JPG recognize >Teacher says he's a new kid from the middle east >We try to be nice >He says his dad is Pakistani >l don't care, but some kids start calling him p--- >Find out through talking to him a bit that he's not that well up there (I didn't know what a tard is) >FFS 3 days >We're playing soccer >l'm team captain for the game >PE teacher is nowhere to be found >Hamid is in the goal post >I tell him to move since I was playing goalie >He screams and tells me he won't >l scream back >He then runs at me full force with his fist in the air >l just stick my hand out >He falls >Starts jumping up at me screaming >Then I push him to get him away >He starts crying >Teacher comes out >MFW when I get in trouble for not letting him hit me If you want more Hamid stories just ask, I have plenty.

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Anon releases the kraken | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 11/22/21(Mon)11:58:19 No.867190693 >finish exam >stressed >need sugar to cope >crave milkshake >get milkshake >drink milkshake 15 KB JPG >widepeepohappy.jpg >remember you're lactose intolerant >feel excavation 66 happening down under >no bidets in bathrooms >no toilet paper either >feel the kraken being released It's over.
: Anonymous 11/22/21(Mon)11:58:19 No.867190693 >finish exam >stressed >need sugar to cope >crave milkshake >get milkshake >drink milkshake 15 KB JPG >widepeepohappy.jpg >remember you're lactose intolerant >feel excavation 66 happening down under >no bidets in bathrooms >no toilet paper either >feel the kraken being released It's over.

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Anon gets fired and takes revenge | /r/Greentext

The CEO Anonymous 11/22/21(Mon)17:45:34 I >Meeting at work >CEO walks in >Says it smells like piss in here >I tell him to change his diaper >Taken to office after meeting >Get fired >Walk out >His daughter has the hots for me >She's 19 >Get her number off company website >Text her >She tells me to "c--" over >Her daddy still has 7 hours to go >Drive out to his mansion >Plow his daughter in his bed >Take nude photographs >Throw used condom in a plastic bag >Walk out bedroom >Go to bathroom >Take a fat s--- in the bag >Wash hands >Go to garage >Hang c--/s--- bag from rafters >Leave I'm at home wondering what's going to happen now Anons!
The CEO Anonymous 11/22/21(Mon)17:45:34 I >Meeting at work >CEO walks in >Says it smells like piss in here >I tell him to change his diaper >Taken to office after meeting >Get fired >Walk out >His daughter has the hots for me >She's 19 >Get her number off company website >Text her >She tells me to "c--" over >Her daddy still has 7 hours to go >Drive out to his mansion >Plow his daughter in his bed >Take nude photographs >Throw used condom in a plastic bag >Walk out bedroom >Go to bathroom >Take a fat s--- in the bag >Wash hands >Go to garage >Hang c--/s--- bag from rafters >Leave I'm at home wondering what's going to happen now Anons!

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Anon doesn’t tip | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 11/22/21 (Mon)21:26:52 No.867201715 >Never tip pizza guy. >They eventually start hinting at a tip at the door "haha jus tryna get those tips man" >They eventually start putting this on your boxes, or if they're feeling extra cheeky attach a job PIKC Demino's TOWARD The Dr le metaig Ch dto ye NOW YOU FRE Phes tp you wter thale ER detver aw vice ANY P MA SONMS 227 KB PNG application to it >Continue not tipping >They deliver your pizza cold and late, or shake up your soda or eat one of your wings/garlic breads or something >Complain >Get free pizza for complaining >repeat Post other epoch lifehacks and money saving tips ITT
: Anonymous 11/22/21 (Mon)21:26:52 No.867201715 >Never tip pizza guy. >They eventually start hinting at a tip at the door "haha jus tryna get those tips man" >They eventually start putting this on your boxes, or if they're feeling extra cheeky attach a job PIKC Demino's TOWARD The Dr le metaig Ch dto ye NOW YOU FRE Phes tp you wter thale ER detver aw vice ANY P MA SONMS 227 KB PNG application to it >Continue not tipping >They deliver your pizza cold and late, or shake up your soda or eat one of your wings/garlic breads or something >Complain >Get free pizza for complaining >repeat Post other epoch lifehacks and money saving tips ITT

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anon is mad as fuck | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 12/31/17(Sun)01:54:13 No.77152549 >be me >rapper with a very prosperous career >everything is going really well >get drunk one night >make a really huge mistake >everyone hates me now 51 KB JPG >feelsbadman >go into hiding >contemplate suicide because my career may be over >sudden realization >if i make one of the best albums anyone has ever heard i can redeem myself >hide for months >spend millions of dollars on studio time, features, and top tier talent to help me make my masterpiece >releasing quality songs every friday >finally release album >everyone seems to love it >go online to see reviews >some bald headed f--- gives me a 6/10
: Anonymous 12/31/17(Sun)01:54:13 No.77152549 >be me >rapper with a very prosperous career >everything is going really well >get drunk one night >make a really huge mistake >everyone hates me now 51 KB JPG >feelsbadman >go into hiding >contemplate suicide because my career may be over >sudden realization >if i make one of the best albums anyone has ever heard i can redeem myself >hide for months >spend millions of dollars on studio time, features, and top tier talent to help me make my masterpiece >releasing quality songs every friday >finally release album >everyone seems to love it >go online to see reviews >some bald headed f--- gives me a 6/10

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Anon has ADHD | /r/Greentext

>be me >britbong >got ADHD symptoms but never fully tested >bored watching TV >ad for disabilities comes up >lady with ADHD comes up 6 KB JPG >w--.jpg >do some research >mfw ADHD is a disability in the UK >mfw when I can leave the NEET life and get free meth from the government I love this country
>be me >britbong >got ADHD symptoms but never fully tested >bored watching TV >ad for disabilities comes up >lady with ADHD comes up 6 KB JPG >w--.jpg >do some research >mfw ADHD is a disability in the UK >mfw when I can leave the NEET life and get free meth from the government I love this country

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Anon doesn’t understand evolution | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 11/23/21(Tue)00:30:31 No.66260841 >makes you crave sugars and fats even though they are no longer Motor Cortex Central Sulcus Sensory Cortes h ewnd ter oal Frontal Lobe thatget fog anl ly en Parietal Lobe Broca's Area- Temporal Lobe scarce Frontal Lobe Occipital Lobe IRinay d ad Temporal Lobe t d wnd tnl funm Wernicke's area >slows down your metabolism if Braintem Cerebellum iCoinetion el t he iutary you try to cut calories >releases fight-or-flight endorphins 34 KB JPG in non-life-threatening situations Why is the human brain so retarded? Why can't it understand that we aren't hunter/gatherers anymore?
: Anonymous 11/23/21(Tue)00:30:31 No.66260841 >makes you crave sugars and fats even though they are no longer Motor Cortex Central Sulcus Sensory Cortes h ewnd ter oal Frontal Lobe thatget fog anl ly en Parietal Lobe Broca's Area- Temporal Lobe scarce Frontal Lobe Occipital Lobe IRinay d ad Temporal Lobe t d wnd tnl funm Wernicke's area >slows down your metabolism if Braintem Cerebellum iCoinetion el t he iutary you try to cut calories >releases fight-or-flight endorphins 34 KB JPG in non-life-threatening situations Why is the human brain so retarded? Why can't it understand that we aren't hunter/gatherers anymore?

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Poor kid ... | /r/Greentext

Anonymous (ID: XCjhprH/) 11/04/14(Tue)22:53:02 No.577494094 >be 14 yo saudi arabian boy >be son of a terrorist >dad is friends with mr bin laden 45 KB JPG >see him daily and tell him about my dreams >one day i get this idea to fly two planes into the twin towers >tell mr bin laden >he gives me a suicide vest and says my idea is a good one >fast forward 1 week >watching news >2 planes are flown into twin towers >mfw osama bin laden took my idea Lesson of the story, never f----- tell bin laden your terrorist ideas because that stingy c--- will take them
Anonymous (ID: XCjhprH/) 11/04/14(Tue)22:53:02 No.577494094 >be 14 yo saudi arabian boy >be son of a terrorist >dad is friends with mr bin laden 45 KB JPG >see him daily and tell him about my dreams >one day i get this idea to fly two planes into the twin towers >tell mr bin laden >he gives me a suicide vest and says my idea is a good one >fast forward 1 week >watching news >2 planes are flown into twin towers >mfw osama bin laden took my idea Lesson of the story, never f----- tell bin laden your terrorist ideas because that stingy c--- will take them

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