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anon needs to get his shit together | /r/Greentext

Anonymous | 791795067 25 min. ago >be me >or not be me pic related 193.2 kB PNG
Anonymous | 791795067 25 min. ago >be me >or not be me pic related 193.2 kB PNG

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Gimme a K! Gimme a Y! Gimme a... | /r/Greentext


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Anons shotgun is one lucky lady | /r/Greentext


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Anon changes a baby | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 02/19/21(Fri)01:15:45 No.62399655 >be in library >have a baby with me >baby goes uh oh stinky poop >foot change the diaper >there's some russian lady, ask her directions for the 63 KB JPG toilets where I can change >responds in broken English, she's also going there >go first >start unwrapping the package >accidentally pull too hard, both legs are now in my hand >baby screams >start sweating, we can fix this >a few moments later the whole baby is disassembled on the changing table and I'm trying to figure out how the brains are supposed to go together like some three dimensional puzzle >f--- this, throw all the baby pieces to the garbage can >walk out, tell the russian lady it's all yours >walk away, hear a woman screaming behind me >wake up Why are all my dreams like this?
: Anonymous 02/19/21(Fri)01:15:45 No.62399655 >be in library >have a baby with me >baby goes uh oh stinky poop >foot change the diaper >there's some russian lady, ask her directions for the 63 KB JPG toilets where I can change >responds in broken English, she's also going there >go first >start unwrapping the package >accidentally pull too hard, both legs are now in my hand >baby screams >start sweating, we can fix this >a few moments later the whole baby is disassembled on the changing table and I'm trying to figure out how the brains are supposed to go together like some three dimensional puzzle >f--- this, throw all the baby pieces to the garbage can >walk out, tell the russian lady it's all yours >walk away, hear a woman screaming behind me >wake up Why are all my dreams like this?

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Dont put your dick in that | /r/Greentext

< /fit/ salmonella in penis? Anonymous No. 51230182 (8 h) Hi guys, I was cooking last night, making some chicken breasts. I had spilled some soda on my pants, so I was cooking without pants on. I was moving some trays around and I accidentally dropped a chicken breast on the floor. But it hit my penis before it hit the floor. This morning my penis seems like it is inflamed and the peehole hurts if I touch it. Is it possible I got salmonella poisoning? JPG 94.60 KB Anonymous No. 51230183 (8 h) You f----- those chicken breasts didn't you? Anonymous No. 51230188 (8 h) You f----- the raw chicken, didn't you? Anonymous No. 51230192 (8 h) you did
< /fit/ salmonella in penis? Anonymous No. 51230182 (8 h) Hi guys, I was cooking last night, making some chicken breasts. I had spilled some soda on my pants, so I was cooking without pants on. I was moving some trays around and I accidentally dropped a chicken breast on the floor. But it hit my penis before it hit the floor. This morning my penis seems like it is inflamed and the peehole hurts if I touch it. Is it possible I got salmonella poisoning? JPG 94.60 KB Anonymous No. 51230183 (8 h) You f----- those chicken breasts didn't you? Anonymous No. 51230188 (8 h) You f----- the raw chicken, didn't you? Anonymous No. 51230192 (8 h) you did

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Anon is a virgin | /r/Greentext

File: download.jpg (4 KB, 225x225) Anonymous 07/21/18(Sat)04:24:59 No.46945190 >Be me >Virgin, 24 years old >Social outcast, no friends >See this thing on the internet >"virgin meetup" >Had nothing better to do with my life so went to the address >Bunch of guys my age, all virgins >Hang around, talk about stuff >They're all pretty cool, stay there late >Look at my watch, I should probably go home >Walk towards the door to leave >They ask if l'm gonna come back another day >Yeah sure >wave goodbye See you later, virgins
File: download.jpg (4 KB, 225x225) Anonymous 07/21/18(Sat)04:24:59 No.46945190 >Be me >Virgin, 24 years old >Social outcast, no friends >See this thing on the internet >"virgin meetup" >Had nothing better to do with my life so went to the address >Bunch of guys my age, all virgins >Hang around, talk about stuff >They're all pretty cool, stay there late >Look at my watch, I should probably go home >Walk towards the door to leave >They ask if l'm gonna come back another day >Yeah sure >wave goodbye See you later, virgins

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Anon Summarises The Joe Rogan Experience | /r/Greentext


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Anon is a Worthless Degenerate Coomer | /r/Greentext

O Anonymous 12/28/21(Tue)00:51:24 No.869462310 >>869464316 >be me >be worthless degenerate coomer >come home from waljob >boot up edge.exe >start with some pornpics cuties >mommy femdom toliet sissy.mov >feels the hunger grumbles but not for c-- >order mcpizza >fappng to some nice teeny feet.jpg >get notification from door camera pizz is here >its a super cute foot model >seen her before in p--- im sure >would you like a 20$ tip m'lady merely spit ito my pizza and i shall reward you generously >she drops my pizza and runs >call mcpizza this bitch is getting fired >where sorry sir well handle this right away >mcpizza calls right back >sir you are banned from mcpizza do not order or call here again the police have been contacted >mcdooralarm >its the cops >what do
O Anonymous 12/28/21(Tue)00:51:24 No.869462310 >>869464316 >be me >be worthless degenerate coomer >come home from waljob >boot up edge.exe >start with some pornpics cuties >mommy femdom toliet sissy.mov >feels the hunger grumbles but not for c-- >order mcpizza >fappng to some nice teeny feet.jpg >get notification from door camera pizz is here >its a super cute foot model >seen her before in p--- im sure >would you like a 20$ tip m'lady merely spit ito my pizza and i shall reward you generously >she drops my pizza and runs >call mcpizza this bitch is getting fired >where sorry sir well handle this right away >mcpizza calls right back >sir you are banned from mcpizza do not order or call here again the police have been contacted >mcdooralarm >its the cops >what do

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First major injury at the age of 26 | /r/Greentext

>Be me >26 yr old dumbass who joined the Army >Wake up one morning around 12 pm with pain in my lower stomach >Vomits.mp4 >Continues on day like nothing is wrong >4 pm and pain is progressively getting 60 KB JPG worse >Decides to unload one out to some pron >Nothing changes so I take a nap to sleep it off >Actually lessened the pain >fuckyea.jpeg >Orders food around 7 pm, pain intensifies by 100 to the point I can't sit still >Goes to emergency room by 10 pm >Covid has the lobby full but they push me immediately through >WhatTheActualFuck >Doctor comes in to check my testicles as he says they are twisted, right testicle torsion >Untwists but pain is still there >Says I needs to go under the knife >EXCUSEME.PNG >Gives me a shot of fentanyl >Does the exact opposite of what it's intended and im shaking uncontrollably in pain. >On a pain of scale of 1-10, it was 25. >Gets put to sleep, wakes up an hour and a half later in a Gauze like diaper. >Gets told my tesicle was removed and was dead for over 6 hours >Was also told I experience the pain level of childbirth as an adult male. There was no explanation as to how or why it happens but it just happens from as young as 5 to as old as 60 >mfw
>Be me >26 yr old dumbass who joined the Army >Wake up one morning around 12 pm with pain in my lower stomach >Vomits.mp4 >Continues on day like nothing is wrong >4 pm and pain is progressively getting 60 KB JPG worse >Decides to unload one out to some pron >Nothing changes so I take a nap to sleep it off >Actually lessened the pain >fuckyea.jpeg >Orders food around 7 pm, pain intensifies by 100 to the point I can't sit still >Goes to emergency room by 10 pm >Covid has the lobby full but they push me immediately through >WhatTheActualFuck >Doctor comes in to check my testicles as he says they are twisted, right testicle torsion >Untwists but pain is still there >Says I needs to go under the knife >EXCUSEME.PNG >Gives me a shot of fentanyl >Does the exact opposite of what it's intended and im shaking uncontrollably in pain. >On a pain of scale of 1-10, it was 25. >Gets put to sleep, wakes up an hour and a half later in a Gauze like diaper. >Gets told my tesicle was removed and was dead for over 6 hours >Was also told I experience the pain level of childbirth as an adult male. There was no explanation as to how or why it happens but it just happens from as young as 5 to as old as 60 >mfw

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Anon’s homemade brew | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 03/01/21(Mon)10:29:38 No.848574479 >be me >go take a s--- >take a s--- and piss >get horny >masturbate >c-- in toilet 23 KB JPG >realize only few liquids left >spit in the toilet >remember feminists exists >shed a tear into the toilet >perfect cocktail >pic related 5 Replies View Thread : Anonymous 03/01/21(Mon)10:36:23 No.848574782 >>848574702 # There was already blood leaking from my a------ from the massive s--- i took. >>848574886 # : Anonymous 03/01/21(Mon)10:37:14 No.848574823 >>848574479 (OP) # > blood > gall > vomit > spinal fluid > lymph
: Anonymous 03/01/21(Mon)10:29:38 No.848574479 >be me >go take a s--- >take a s--- and piss >get horny >masturbate >c-- in toilet 23 KB JPG >realize only few liquids left >spit in the toilet >remember feminists exists >shed a tear into the toilet >perfect cocktail >pic related 5 Replies View Thread : Anonymous 03/01/21(Mon)10:36:23 No.848574782 >>848574702 # There was already blood leaking from my a------ from the massive s--- i took. >>848574886 # : Anonymous 03/01/21(Mon)10:37:14 No.848574823 >>848574479 (OP) # > blood > gall > vomit > spinal fluid > lymph

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Anon “doesn’t understand cars” | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous (ID: y8De0+0A 02/03/18(Sat)20:54:28 No.7275061 >dad buys 2015 Diesel Dodge Ram >6 months later says "I think I'm gonna buy a new truck" >whatthefuck.jpeg >"why you just got a new one" >"I'm gonna buy a 2016. Those diesel Engines last forever" >"then why don't you make your 2015 last forever" 128 KB JPG >says I don't understand vehicles >tfw he's over $70,000 in debt and doesn't understand why Is my dad retarded?
: Anonymous (ID: y8De0+0A 02/03/18(Sat)20:54:28 No.7275061 >dad buys 2015 Diesel Dodge Ram >6 months later says "I think I'm gonna buy a new truck" >whatthefuck.jpeg >"why you just got a new one" >"I'm gonna buy a 2016. Those diesel Engines last forever" >"then why don't you make your 2015 last forever" 128 KB JPG >says I don't understand vehicles >tfw he's over $70,000 in debt and doesn't understand why Is my dad retarded?

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Anon does not prefer Reddit | /r/Greentext

If there is Hell on the Internet, it's r*ddit If there is Hell on the Intern(...) 12/28/21(Tue)04:48:38 No.353952878 >Haven't been on plebbit for ages >Want to ask a quick question >Super T----- Janny bans me seconds later for breaking one of their 6 gorillion www. rules. 29 KB JPG It's like North Korea there, but run by gay trannies with ADHD. I hate these cucks so much you can't imagine. Why do humans like that exist? 172 Replies / 56 Images View Thread
If there is Hell on the Internet, it's r*ddit If there is Hell on the Intern(...) 12/28/21(Tue)04:48:38 No.353952878 >Haven't been on plebbit for ages >Want to ask a quick question >Super T----- Janny bans me seconds later for breaking one of their 6 gorillion www. rules. 29 KB JPG It's like North Korea there, but run by gay trannies with ADHD. I hate these cucks so much you can't imagine. Why do humans like that exist? 172 Replies / 56 Images View Thread

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Anon is not human | /r/Greentext


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Anon plays soccer | /r/Greentext

O Anonymous 12/07/11(Wed)16:28 No.5220706 Reposting my all time favorite greentext. >playing soccer in gym >ball is up in the air >think I'm gonna be awesome and air kick it into the goal >try >miss ball >kick goalie in the face >try to ask "Are you okay?" and "I'm f------ sorry." at the same time >instead end up yelling "ARE YOU F------ SORRY!?" >goalie is choking back tears
O Anonymous 12/07/11(Wed)16:28 No.5220706 Reposting my all time favorite greentext. >playing soccer in gym >ball is up in the air >think I'm gonna be awesome and air kick it into the goal >try >miss ball >kick goalie in the face >try to ask "Are you okay?" and "I'm f------ sorry." at the same time >instead end up yelling "ARE YOU F------ SORRY!?" >goalie is choking back tears

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Anon picks a movie | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 12/28/21(Tue)02:49:42 No.161327844 PICK A MOVIE. KEEP ONE ACTOR. THE REST ARE PLAYED BY MUPPETS. muppets.png 256 KB PNG Well? : Anonymous 12/28/21(Tue)02:50:22 No.161327880 Schindlers list-Ralph Fiennes >>161329353 # >>161329386 # >>161330616 #
: Anonymous 12/28/21(Tue)02:49:42 No.161327844 PICK A MOVIE. KEEP ONE ACTOR. THE REST ARE PLAYED BY MUPPETS. muppets.png 256 KB PNG Well? : Anonymous 12/28/21(Tue)02:50:22 No.161327880 Schindlers list-Ralph Fiennes >>161329353 # >>161329386 # >>161330616 #

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Anon on philosophy | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 12/19/21(Sun)07:46:27 No.19594528 | FILE DELETED Why were so many philosophers/authors coomers? >Rousseau: Exhibitionist and liked to be dominated by older women >Nietzsche: Mastrubator >Freud: Selfexplainatory >Foucalt: P-------- and BDSM fan >De Sade and Masoch: Depraved enough that conditions were named after them >Joyce: Fart fetishist >Henry Miller: Banned for writing too much about his IRL cooming
: Anonymous 12/19/21(Sun)07:46:27 No.19594528 | FILE DELETED Why were so many philosophers/authors coomers? >Rousseau: Exhibitionist and liked to be dominated by older women >Nietzsche: Mastrubator >Freud: Selfexplainatory >Foucalt: P-------- and BDSM fan >De Sade and Masoch: Depraved enough that conditions were named after them >Joyce: Fart fetishist >Henry Miller: Banned for writing too much about his IRL cooming

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Anon the forgetful pervert | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous (ID: GPQGUC0E ) 12/28/21(Tue)10:08:15 No.353950440 1E222ED1-A8B7-4DD6-B96A-552D068ED246.jpg 38 KB JPG >Tfw you forget you're not on your personal and not your fake IG >Comment "16 delicious feet" on a photo of 8 girls from uni at the beach >Uni wants me to come in for a meeting How f----- am I bros?
: Anonymous (ID: GPQGUC0E ) 12/28/21(Tue)10:08:15 No.353950440 1E222ED1-A8B7-4DD6-B96A-552D068ED246.jpg 38 KB JPG >Tfw you forget you're not on your personal and not your fake IG >Comment "16 delicious feet" on a photo of 8 girls from uni at the beach >Uni wants me to come in for a meeting How f----- am I bros?

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How to become a black dad | /r/Greentext

>go to see black panther on opening night >get there just as previews are ending, literally every seat is full and no assigned seating >find one seat open seat >black kid on one side, maybe 9 143 KB PNG or 10 yo >huge black woman on the other side, clearly his mother >oh_boy_here_we_go.jpg >nod and motion with my head for the kid to move down a seat next to his mom >he ignores me >mom ignores me >f--- it, sit down in between them >expect the kid to be loud and annoying through the movie >nope >they both are quiet and respectful throughout >kid asks me for a sour patch towards the end of the movie >say "sorry, no." (I was running low) >movie ends >as the lights come up kid tells his mom it was "just alright" >i secretly nod in agreement with him >>161321019 # >>161321886 # >>161327039 # >>161332608 # Anonymous 12/28/21(Tue)00:32:47 No.161321019 >>161320278 # What was it like to larp as the kids dad for 2 hours then complete the larp by once again disappearing?
>go to see black panther on opening night >get there just as previews are ending, literally every seat is full and no assigned seating >find one seat open seat >black kid on one side, maybe 9 143 KB PNG or 10 yo >huge black woman on the other side, clearly his mother >oh_boy_here_we_go.jpg >nod and motion with my head for the kid to move down a seat next to his mom >he ignores me >mom ignores me >f--- it, sit down in between them >expect the kid to be loud and annoying through the movie >nope >they both are quiet and respectful throughout >kid asks me for a sour patch towards the end of the movie >say "sorry, no." (I was running low) >movie ends >as the lights come up kid tells his mom it was "just alright" >i secretly nod in agreement with him >>161321019 # >>161321886 # >>161327039 # >>161332608 # Anonymous 12/28/21(Tue)00:32:47 No.161321019 >>161320278 # What was it like to larp as the kids dad for 2 hours then complete the larp by once again disappearing?

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Anon is being watched | /r/Greentext

LOS ANGELES POLICE : Anonymous (ID: Lg9gzcrW ) Cops browse 4chan 12/28/21(Tue)08:16:53 No.44891220 POLICE > be me, walk into LAPD HQ in downtown LA to get a background check clearance ANGELES EST LOS > greeted by guard/ go through security > take elevator/ go downstairs to civilian matters office > office full of cops on their ANGELES 54 KB JPG computer desks > sees a cop browsing 4chan. Couldnt tell which board but it was definitely 4chan Lmao. We aren't safe anymore frens. We are literally being watched everywhere. DEPARTMEN NOISIAIO WEST LOS ANGELES
LOS ANGELES POLICE : Anonymous (ID: Lg9gzcrW ) Cops browse 4chan 12/28/21(Tue)08:16:53 No.44891220 POLICE > be me, walk into LAPD HQ in downtown LA to get a background check clearance ANGELES EST LOS > greeted by guard/ go through security > take elevator/ go downstairs to civilian matters office > office full of cops on their ANGELES 54 KB JPG computer desks > sees a cop browsing 4chan. Couldnt tell which board but it was definitely 4chan Lmao. We aren't safe anymore frens. We are literally being watched everywhere. DEPARTMEN NOISIAIO WEST LOS ANGELES

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Anon drives. | /r/Greentext

a real human bean.jpg 2.92 MB JPG >Me and qt coworker finishing work late and closing up >"Ah anon can you drive me home? my dad bailed on me and it's pretty dark" %3D >"... >".yeah I drive" >She smiles and gets in the car with me >On the way home she ask to stop by a gas station to pick up some things >"you give me a time and a place, I give you a five minute window. Anything happens in that five minutes and I'm yours. No matter what. Anything happens a minute either side of that and you're on your own. Do you understand? >she laughs softly and says "you're so cute sometimes anon, I'll be back in a second" >5 minute 1 second later she isn't back >floor it
a real human bean.jpg 2.92 MB JPG >Me and qt coworker finishing work late and closing up >"Ah anon can you drive me home? my dad bailed on me and it's pretty dark" %3D >"... >".yeah I drive" >She smiles and gets in the car with me >On the way home she ask to stop by a gas station to pick up some things >"you give me a time and a place, I give you a five minute window. Anything happens in that five minutes and I'm yours. No matter what. Anything happens a minute either side of that and you're on your own. Do you understand? >she laughs softly and says "you're so cute sometimes anon, I'll be back in a second" >5 minute 1 second later she isn't back >floor it

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