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die from intestinal bloackage | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 09/28/19(Sat)01:11:57 No.810541537 >be me >sea turtle >chilling in the reef with my wife >have to move from reef to reef for munchies >one day >chilling in the seagrass, munchin 30 KB JPG >spot massive f------ jellyfish >holyshit.jpg >swim towards it as fast as i can >finally reach the jellyfish >take a bite >w-- >its plastic >die from intestinal bloackage F------ humans.
: Anonymous 09/28/19(Sat)01:11:57 No.810541537 >be me >sea turtle >chilling in the reef with my wife >have to move from reef to reef for munchies >one day >chilling in the seagrass, munchin 30 KB JPG >spot massive f------ jellyfish >holyshit.jpg >swim towards it as fast as i can >finally reach the jellyfish >take a bite >w-- >its plastic >die from intestinal bloackage F------ humans.

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Anon gets new neighbors | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 11/08/18(Thu)18:39:53 No.784405312 >be me >in Virginia >home owner >new neighbors arrived next door >a Chad and a Stacy, both of them are married 63 KB JPG >we introduced each other >the Chad is obsessed with the American culture (he even raised his own American flag) >the Stacy is just the average housewife (chores and stuff) >had dinner >Chad was looking forward to work for the government >l jokingly asked him if he is going to set up NSA cameras around the neighborhood >laughter.wav >after dinner, I went back to my house to sleep >ffw next morning >woke up to this Chad bellowing a tune around town >this happens every. f------. morning. >even on weekends Don't believe me? Here are the first lines I remembered listening to him sing: "Good morning, USA! I have a feeling that it's going to be a wonderful day!"
: Anonymous 11/08/18(Thu)18:39:53 No.784405312 >be me >in Virginia >home owner >new neighbors arrived next door >a Chad and a Stacy, both of them are married 63 KB JPG >we introduced each other >the Chad is obsessed with the American culture (he even raised his own American flag) >the Stacy is just the average housewife (chores and stuff) >had dinner >Chad was looking forward to work for the government >l jokingly asked him if he is going to set up NSA cameras around the neighborhood >laughter.wav >after dinner, I went back to my house to sleep >ffw next morning >woke up to this Chad bellowing a tune around town >this happens every. f------. morning. >even on weekends Don't believe me? Here are the first lines I remembered listening to him sing: "Good morning, USA! I have a feeling that it's going to be a wonderful day!"

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Anon acquires fucc | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 10/06/18(Sat)13:29:27 No.48533173 >be me Value >with some girl at party >we're both pretty high/drunk >acquiring some fucc >about to put it in >in my intoxicated state, I slip into her butthole >she screams "UNEXPECTED ITEM IN 06/30/2013 29 KB JPG THE BAGGING AREA" at the top of her lungs >freak out and fall off the bed cuz I have no balance on my knees + alcohol >look up and see her laughing while holding her ass >Took me forever to realize I put it in her ass >Still laugh about it with friends to this day Pic unrelated.
: Anonymous 10/06/18(Sat)13:29:27 No.48533173 >be me Value >with some girl at party >we're both pretty high/drunk >acquiring some fucc >about to put it in >in my intoxicated state, I slip into her butthole >she screams "UNEXPECTED ITEM IN 06/30/2013 29 KB JPG THE BAGGING AREA" at the top of her lungs >freak out and fall off the bed cuz I have no balance on my knees + alcohol >look up and see her laughing while holding her ass >Took me forever to realize I put it in her ass >Still laugh about it with friends to this day Pic unrelated.

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anon keeps a promise | /r/Greentext

02/10/22(Thu)19:28:46 No.87242585 >never really connect with family members >not even with parents >grandpa is the only person in the family I truly get along with >same the other way around since most of my relatives can't appreciate pops's sense of humor >years pass and granpops becomes one 18 KB JPG of my closest friends >on my 18th birthday he gives me an envelope >says it's important so he trusts me with it but cannot be opened before his death >l promise him I won't open it until the day comes >12 years later >granpops passes away >sad.jpg >remember the envelope >I kept it in a safe in the bank >go to bank and get it >open it >only a single paper in the envelope >written on it: "guess what? chicken butt" goddammit pops, I miss you, you old fart
02/10/22(Thu)19:28:46 No.87242585 >never really connect with family members >not even with parents >grandpa is the only person in the family I truly get along with >same the other way around since most of my relatives can't appreciate pops's sense of humor >years pass and granpops becomes one 18 KB JPG of my closest friends >on my 18th birthday he gives me an envelope >says it's important so he trusts me with it but cannot be opened before his death >l promise him I won't open it until the day comes >12 years later >granpops passes away >sad.jpg >remember the envelope >I kept it in a safe in the bank >go to bank and get it >open it >only a single paper in the envelope >written on it: "guess what? chicken butt" goddammit pops, I miss you, you old fart

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Grug lift heavy rock | /r/Greentext

>go for a walk in the woods near my campsite >grab the largest rock i can possibly hold on to with one hand >grip strength >pump like pic related >pass some climbing routes >two women climbers notice me walk by, look scared >am 6'4 230lbs, carrying rock >they say, "you have a rock" >"yes" >like a retard forget to say haha just training grip strength >just continue to walk I have learned that people do not like you carrying rocks because it can be weapon. It will make you powerful and strong, though. 2h (2/12 16:57) · 65541702 PNG · 224KB · (680 × 338) The >>65541645 You're a god 2h (2/12 16:59) · 65541728 >>65541645 keep carrying rocks. the weak should fear the strong 8m (2/12 19:19) · 65543357 >>65541645 kek
>go for a walk in the woods near my campsite >grab the largest rock i can possibly hold on to with one hand >grip strength >pump like pic related >pass some climbing routes >two women climbers notice me walk by, look scared >am 6'4 230lbs, carrying rock >they say, "you have a rock" >"yes" >like a retard forget to say haha just training grip strength >just continue to walk I have learned that people do not like you carrying rocks because it can be weapon. It will make you powerful and strong, though. 2h (2/12 16:57) · 65541702 PNG · 224KB · (680 × 338) The >>65541645 You're a god 2h (2/12 16:59) · 65541728 >>65541645 keep carrying rocks. the weak should fear the strong 8m (2/12 19:19) · 65543357 >>65541645 kek

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Anon has become what he once sought to destroy | /r/Greentext

>gf admitted she had a foot fetish a few months ago and gets turned on by me worshipping her feet >had always made fun of foot fetishists, it never once turned me on 114 KB JPG >indulge her at the time because why not, doesn't hurt me >fast forward 2 months >get instant boners when she takes her socks off and puts her feet in my lap now What have I become
>gf admitted she had a foot fetish a few months ago and gets turned on by me worshipping her feet >had always made fun of foot fetishists, it never once turned me on 114 KB JPG >indulge her at the time because why not, doesn't hurt me >fast forward 2 months >get instant boners when she takes her socks off and puts her feet in my lap now What have I become

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Anon chats with a girl on Discord | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 02/15/19(Fri)07:13:56 No.50987469 >join discord depression group >befriend this girl >chat with her for months >i think im falling for her >work up the courage to ask if she wanted to video chat 45 KB PNG >she agrees >her first reaction when she sees me was "w-- i thought you were a girl"
: Anonymous 02/15/19(Fri)07:13:56 No.50987469 >join discord depression group >befriend this girl >chat with her for months >i think im falling for her >work up the courage to ask if she wanted to video chat 45 KB PNG >she agrees >her first reaction when she sees me was "w-- i thought you were a girl"

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Anon is happy | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 11/02/18(Fri)13:46:02 No.783841039 >walking down sidewalk >cat in neighbors window >meow at it >it meows back >12:45 AM >still happy about it 238 KB PNG How was your day anons
: Anonymous 11/02/18(Fri)13:46:02 No.783841039 >walking down sidewalk >cat in neighbors window >meow at it >it meows back >12:45 AM >still happy about it 238 KB PNG How was your day anons

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Anon tries the bar | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 09/11/14(Thu)15:06:43 No.35588678 File: image.jpg (45 KB, 468x498) >>35588775 >>35588791 >>35588910 >>35588951 >Be me >4 years ago >Succussful, friendly, good with people >Out at bar with some friends >Girl comes over and hits on me >Buy her a drink >She asks for a second of a different kind too >Tell the bartender to do it >Girl takes the drinks and say "k thx bye!" >Walks over to her boyfriend and kisses him while flipping me off >I look at the bartender and she shakes her head >Get idea >Ask for the two drinks she ordered on a different bill >Bartender agrees >Prints off the bill >Walk over and hand the girl the bill for her drinks >Girl laughs at me >Walk over to the bouncer and tell him the situation >Bouncer gets the thousand yard stare >l can only assume he was remembering a love long lost with a heart of gold now shattered >Bitch and her boyfriend try to leave >Bartender taps my shoulder to show me >Bouncer stands in front of them >"You will go pay for your drinks, now." >Boyfriend tries to get in his face >Bouncer calmly pushes him out of the bar >Stares at girl >Stares at girl >Girl starts crying >Stares at girl >Stares at girl >Girl puils a $20 bill out of her bra and hands it to the bouncer >Screams "Here you go a------!" >Runs out >Bouncer hands me the 20 and says "keep the change" >He knuckle-touches the bartender >1 thank him >Find out he likes camping >We camp together now with my fiancée and his wife It was the last time I bought a drink for a girl in a bar. F------ bitches.
Anonymous 09/11/14(Thu)15:06:43 No.35588678 File: image.jpg (45 KB, 468x498) >>35588775 >>35588791 >>35588910 >>35588951 >Be me >4 years ago >Succussful, friendly, good with people >Out at bar with some friends >Girl comes over and hits on me >Buy her a drink >She asks for a second of a different kind too >Tell the bartender to do it >Girl takes the drinks and say "k thx bye!" >Walks over to her boyfriend and kisses him while flipping me off >I look at the bartender and she shakes her head >Get idea >Ask for the two drinks she ordered on a different bill >Bartender agrees >Prints off the bill >Walk over and hand the girl the bill for her drinks >Girl laughs at me >Walk over to the bouncer and tell him the situation >Bouncer gets the thousand yard stare >l can only assume he was remembering a love long lost with a heart of gold now shattered >Bitch and her boyfriend try to leave >Bartender taps my shoulder to show me >Bouncer stands in front of them >"You will go pay for your drinks, now." >Boyfriend tries to get in his face >Bouncer calmly pushes him out of the bar >Stares at girl >Stares at girl >Girl starts crying >Stares at girl >Stares at girl >Girl puils a $20 bill out of her bra and hands it to the bouncer >Screams "Here you go a------!" >Runs out >Bouncer hands me the 20 and says "keep the change" >He knuckle-touches the bartender >1 thank him >Find out he likes camping >We camp together now with my fiancée and his wife It was the last time I bought a drink for a girl in a bar. F------ bitches.

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Anon is a taxi driver | /r/Greentext


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Anon has sex | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 10/26/18(Fri)21:06:46 No.48935134 >have sex with man >men have xy chromosome >women have xx >50% woman >round up >see ya 120 KB JPG
: Anonymous 10/26/18(Fri)21:06:46 No.48935134 >have sex with man >men have xy chromosome >women have xx >50% woman >round up >see ya 120 KB JPG

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Anon's escape plan | /r/Greentext


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Anon has social anxiety | /r/Greentext

File: cursed.png (552 KB, 840x743) Anonymous 05/31/20(Sun)09:14:01 No.58423748 [Reply] oh god I just remembered something >be me in 8th grade >going for a walk in the neighbourhood >meet someone I know from school >"hey anon what are you doing?" >for some reason I think it would be weird to tell him that Im just going for a walk >"Im on my way to the store to buy eh milk" >he leaves but now Im scared of meeting him again and him finding out that I lied to him about the milk >now actually go to the store and buy milk >cant bring the milk home because then my parents will ask questions and I cant tell them >also dont want to throw the milk away >sit outside and drink 1L of milk >feel sick >go home >cry Did something like this happen to anybody else?
File: cursed.png (552 KB, 840x743) Anonymous 05/31/20(Sun)09:14:01 No.58423748 [Reply] oh god I just remembered something >be me in 8th grade >going for a walk in the neighbourhood >meet someone I know from school >"hey anon what are you doing?" >for some reason I think it would be weird to tell him that Im just going for a walk >"Im on my way to the store to buy eh milk" >he leaves but now Im scared of meeting him again and him finding out that I lied to him about the milk >now actually go to the store and buy milk >cant bring the milk home because then my parents will ask questions and I cant tell them >also dont want to throw the milk away >sit outside and drink 1L of milk >feel sick >go home >cry Did something like this happen to anybody else?

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anon wants to be a wizard | /r/Greentext

onymous 10/02/19(Wed)09:16:23 No.54692176 >be very young anon >"Anon, what do you want to be when you grow up?" >"I want to be a wizard!" >"You mean like a stage magician or..." >"NO! I WANT TO BE A REAL WIZARD WITH REAL MAGIC!" 70 KB PNG >"Anon, magic isn't real. You have to pick something real." >later >"Hey anon, what do you want to be when you grow up?" (other person) >"W... Nothing." >"Really?" >"Yes. I don't want to be anything when I grow up." >fast forward to present day >l have amounted to nothing over the course of my life >pretty much just a friendless loser living in basement >still want to be a wizard
onymous 10/02/19(Wed)09:16:23 No.54692176 >be very young anon >"Anon, what do you want to be when you grow up?" >"I want to be a wizard!" >"You mean like a stage magician or..." >"NO! I WANT TO BE A REAL WIZARD WITH REAL MAGIC!" 70 KB PNG >"Anon, magic isn't real. You have to pick something real." >later >"Hey anon, what do you want to be when you grow up?" (other person) >"W... Nothing." >"Really?" >"Yes. I don't want to be anything when I grow up." >fast forward to present day >l have amounted to nothing over the course of my life >pretty much just a friendless loser living in basement >still want to be a wizard

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Anon eats a spicy chicken sandwich | /r/Greentext

>be me, obsessed with spicy foods and extreme heat >order the hottest sauces, not good enough >try the one chip challenge; it's amazing >discussing one chip challenge with co- worker, she tells me of this restraunt with a spicy chicken sandwich that is so spicy that you have to 196 KB JPG sign a paper before you eat it >drive 2 f------ hours to get there (i can't explain how much i love spicy stuff) >turns out the paper thing was just a joke, but they warn you that it's extreme and serve it with 2 tums >take a bite >within seconds my mouth is on fire. >as i swallow i can feel the second it gets to my stomach >immediately walk very quickly to the register and order some ice cream >conceal the pain in my mouth and abdomen while they get it >slowly take bites, just holding it in my mouth to hold off the pain for a bit >eventually get back in my truck and start the drive home (2 hours) >about an hour in my stomach is hurting so much i pull over >straight up s--- my pants, it's all watery and my ass is on fire so much >take off underwear and pants, wipe with socks, throw all of that into a plastic bag and into the bed of my truck >drive the rest of the way home >wait 35 minutes for it to get dark so i can walk inside not seen (i'm not wearing pants) since then it's been 2 days and i constantly feel like i'm gonna s--- but i can't. i can't believe i drove 2 hours for this. what a silly yet traumatizing experience.
>be me, obsessed with spicy foods and extreme heat >order the hottest sauces, not good enough >try the one chip challenge; it's amazing >discussing one chip challenge with co- worker, she tells me of this restraunt with a spicy chicken sandwich that is so spicy that you have to 196 KB JPG sign a paper before you eat it >drive 2 f------ hours to get there (i can't explain how much i love spicy stuff) >turns out the paper thing was just a joke, but they warn you that it's extreme and serve it with 2 tums >take a bite >within seconds my mouth is on fire. >as i swallow i can feel the second it gets to my stomach >immediately walk very quickly to the register and order some ice cream >conceal the pain in my mouth and abdomen while they get it >slowly take bites, just holding it in my mouth to hold off the pain for a bit >eventually get back in my truck and start the drive home (2 hours) >about an hour in my stomach is hurting so much i pull over >straight up s--- my pants, it's all watery and my ass is on fire so much >take off underwear and pants, wipe with socks, throw all of that into a plastic bag and into the bed of my truck >drive the rest of the way home >wait 35 minutes for it to get dark so i can walk inside not seen (i'm not wearing pants) since then it's been 2 days and i constantly feel like i'm gonna s--- but i can't. i can't believe i drove 2 hours for this. what a silly yet traumatizing experience.

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anon games the system | /r/Greentext


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Anon revisits Facebook | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 10/19/18(Fri)05:17:04 No.48785626 >go on facebook after literally 5 years >see all the old high school friends living normie lives and having kids >suddenly get messaged by a girl i used to have a class with >she was a sub-stacy that used to sit in front of me and copied my homework all 85 KB PNG the time >"omg anon i thought you were honestly dead h--------!!" >we catch up >shes been working wagecuck jobs since graduating and hasnt really gotten anywhere with her life >still, its nice to talk to someone from high school even if it is this roastie >she tells me she is unemployed nowadays >ask her what she does for money >she dodges the question at first but basically confesses that she is an escort sometimes >"and before you ask, no i wont do anything with you, its too awkward with old friends haha" God f------ dammit every time I think things will get good for me I get s--- on
: Anonymous 10/19/18(Fri)05:17:04 No.48785626 >go on facebook after literally 5 years >see all the old high school friends living normie lives and having kids >suddenly get messaged by a girl i used to have a class with >she was a sub-stacy that used to sit in front of me and copied my homework all 85 KB PNG the time >"omg anon i thought you were honestly dead h--------!!" >we catch up >shes been working wagecuck jobs since graduating and hasnt really gotten anywhere with her life >still, its nice to talk to someone from high school even if it is this roastie >she tells me she is unemployed nowadays >ask her what she does for money >she dodges the question at first but basically confesses that she is an escort sometimes >"and before you ask, no i wont do anything with you, its too awkward with old friends haha" God f------ dammit every time I think things will get good for me I get s--- on

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Anon has a point | /r/Greentext

1 hr. ago •●• Anonymous | 438947949 ESPRCT >Work 60h-80h a week, have all the money I could to buy vidya.. no time to play vidya... 228.2 kB PNG
1 hr. ago •●• Anonymous | 438947949 ESPRCT >Work 60h-80h a week, have all the money I could to buy vidya.. no time to play vidya... 228.2 kB PNG

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Anon hates his country | /r/Greentext

>Be me 100% JESUS >Born Brazilian >F------ hate it, but at least I'm 1% and white >Spend my entire life being disgusted by local culture and trying to get away from it >Learn english so I can 100 KB JPG communicate with foreigns >Feel superior to the rest of the scum here >When I'm abroad and people ask me where I'm from I just say Portugal, this way they don't look at me like l'm a dirty South American >When I'm abroad I also cringe when I hear people speaking brazilian portuguese >Outta nowhere though I realize that everyone I love, like family, friends and my girl, as well as many people I respect professionally are Brazilian after all >Take a deep look inside and realize something >l don't hate people because they are Brazilian, I just hate poor people, and it just happens that there are a lot of them here >Feels better
>Be me 100% JESUS >Born Brazilian >F------ hate it, but at least I'm 1% and white >Spend my entire life being disgusted by local culture and trying to get away from it >Learn english so I can 100 KB JPG communicate with foreigns >Feel superior to the rest of the scum here >When I'm abroad and people ask me where I'm from I just say Portugal, this way they don't look at me like l'm a dirty South American >When I'm abroad I also cringe when I hear people speaking brazilian portuguese >Outta nowhere though I realize that everyone I love, like family, friends and my girl, as well as many people I respect professionally are Brazilian after all >Take a deep look inside and realize something >l don't hate people because they are Brazilian, I just hate poor people, and it just happens that there are a lot of them here >Feels better

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Losing wizard powers | /r/Greentext

O Anonymous 12/27/15(Sun)16:35:42 No.25288168 >>25288212 >>25288227 File: Screenshot_2015-07-24-02-12-05.png (343 KB, 1440x2560) 46% 2:12 AM Verified by: DigiCert Inc >drunk texting prostatutes Good. Yourself 1:53 AM O Anonymous 12/27/15(Sun)16:38:15 No.25288212 ► File: Hank.jpg (31 KB, 231x281) I have many American dollars I would like to exchange for >>25288168 >Imma cop a feel of dem t------ intercourse 2:02 AM You're not a cop are you U Anonymous 12/27/15(Sun)16:39:15 No.25288227 File: 1448044005532.jpg (30 KB, 400x395) 2:07 AM >>25288168 >l'm a cop a feel dem t------ Are you the police 2:07 AM O Anonymous 12/27/15(Sun)16:58:08 No.25288494 File: 1373908590515 jpg (57 KB, 393x391) I'm a cop a feel of dem t------ 2:09 AM >>25288168 >Imma cop a feal of dem t------ Ok how much time are you looking to spend with me * O Fagoo !jizzF8h3Ek 12/27/15(Sun).. File: saitamore.png (749 KB, 861x990) 2:11 AM >>25288168 >l'm a cop a feel of dem tittoes Send Enter message 160 /1
O Anonymous 12/27/15(Sun)16:35:42 No.25288168 >>25288212 >>25288227 File: Screenshot_2015-07-24-02-12-05.png (343 KB, 1440x2560) 46% 2:12 AM Verified by: DigiCert Inc >drunk texting prostatutes Good. Yourself 1:53 AM O Anonymous 12/27/15(Sun)16:38:15 No.25288212 ► File: Hank.jpg (31 KB, 231x281) I have many American dollars I would like to exchange for >>25288168 >Imma cop a feel of dem t------ intercourse 2:02 AM You're not a cop are you U Anonymous 12/27/15(Sun)16:39:15 No.25288227 File: 1448044005532.jpg (30 KB, 400x395) 2:07 AM >>25288168 >l'm a cop a feel dem t------ Are you the police 2:07 AM O Anonymous 12/27/15(Sun)16:58:08 No.25288494 File: 1373908590515 jpg (57 KB, 393x391) I'm a cop a feel of dem t------ 2:09 AM >>25288168 >Imma cop a feal of dem t------ Ok how much time are you looking to spend with me * O Fagoo !jizzF8h3Ek 12/27/15(Sun).. File: saitamore.png (749 KB, 861x990) 2:11 AM >>25288168 >l'm a cop a feel of dem tittoes Send Enter message 160 /1

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