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Anon joins shitpost group | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 10/03/18(Wed)00:13:01 No.781354558 Hey f--- heres a greentext threat about Irony >be me >have female friend who likes shitpost as much as I do 15 KB JPG >notificationtojoinashitpostgroupfromher.exe >Flat Earth etc... >seems like a decent shitpost group >everyone has a top tier shitposting/Irony humor >"NASA uses Eyefish lence" >Laugh at funny ironical memes and s--- they write >my friend likes NASA and space bs >see a post where she is arguing w/ some random guy >Find out the FB group is not a shitpost group >Mfw I've been in this group for at least 2 months >Mfw I thought their posts were memes >Mfw these people actually think Earth is flat >Mfw top excuse is "NASA uses eyefish lence"
: Anonymous 10/03/18(Wed)00:13:01 No.781354558 Hey f--- heres a greentext threat about Irony >be me >have female friend who likes shitpost as much as I do 15 KB JPG >notificationtojoinashitpostgroupfromher.exe >Flat Earth etc... >seems like a decent shitpost group >everyone has a top tier shitposting/Irony humor >"NASA uses Eyefish lence" >Laugh at funny ironical memes and s--- they write >my friend likes NASA and space bs >see a post where she is arguing w/ some random guy >Find out the FB group is not a shitpost group >Mfw I've been in this group for at least 2 months >Mfw I thought their posts were memes >Mfw these people actually think Earth is flat >Mfw top excuse is "NASA uses eyefish lence"

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Anon meets a Chad | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 06/30/19(Sun)18:45:12 No.51382509 >first time in gym >my very first excercise is bench >next to me are some zoomers and wiggers >they snicker and say to themselves "This dude looks like he sits behind 11 KB JPG computer 24/7" >About to cry >make up some b------- like im thristy and go to toilets so i can pack and leave >Some dude stops me and say if he can use bench >It's m------------ Chad just like from the memes >say yea >Asks if i will spot him >0-okay >We start to talk he noticed im first timer in the gym >He teaches me lifts we talk for hour and for this whole hour it feels like im safe and protected >Mfw this chad says "see you tomorrow okay? I have leg day and i will t each you deadlifts" Is this how chads are? Is this how it feels to die for king? It felt like dream but it was all real. My king My liege WE WILL MAKE IT!
: Anonymous 06/30/19(Sun)18:45:12 No.51382509 >first time in gym >my very first excercise is bench >next to me are some zoomers and wiggers >they snicker and say to themselves "This dude looks like he sits behind 11 KB JPG computer 24/7" >About to cry >make up some b------- like im thristy and go to toilets so i can pack and leave >Some dude stops me and say if he can use bench >It's m------------ Chad just like from the memes >say yea >Asks if i will spot him >0-okay >We start to talk he noticed im first timer in the gym >He teaches me lifts we talk for hour and for this whole hour it feels like im safe and protected >Mfw this chad says "see you tomorrow okay? I have leg day and i will t each you deadlifts" Is this how chads are? Is this how it feels to die for king? It felt like dream but it was all real. My king My liege WE WILL MAKE IT!

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Anon understand limits | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous The Stick of Sex 04/12/22(Tue)22:26:20 No.68193959 >Be me >16, year 11 physics >Physics teacher is pretty odd, he's about 30, extremely tall >He likes doing 'stretches' with the girls in my grade, very hands on kind of guy 5 KB JPG >One day he's teaching us about limits >"This, everyone, is the stick of sex" >We all look up at the stick of sex >"The length of the stick corresponds to how much love you can feel for someone else" >"Each time you have sex with a different person, the amount of love you can feel halfs" >"As you see, even after the second or third partner, your capacity for love is significantly reduced" >"Of course, you never actually lose the capacity to love, it just becomes so small that it's not even noticeable" This lesson has stuck with me for a long time. Not only did he eloquently explain the concept of a limit, but he also btfo every roastie in my class and taught me a valuable life lesson. Thank you based purity-pilled repressed-fomo-fantasies physics teacher.
: Anonymous The Stick of Sex 04/12/22(Tue)22:26:20 No.68193959 >Be me >16, year 11 physics >Physics teacher is pretty odd, he's about 30, extremely tall >He likes doing 'stretches' with the girls in my grade, very hands on kind of guy 5 KB JPG >One day he's teaching us about limits >"This, everyone, is the stick of sex" >We all look up at the stick of sex >"The length of the stick corresponds to how much love you can feel for someone else" >"Each time you have sex with a different person, the amount of love you can feel halfs" >"As you see, even after the second or third partner, your capacity for love is significantly reduced" >"Of course, you never actually lose the capacity to love, it just becomes so small that it's not even noticeable" This lesson has stuck with me for a long time. Not only did he eloquently explain the concept of a limit, but he also btfo every roastie in my class and taught me a valuable life lesson. Thank you based purity-pilled repressed-fomo-fantasies physics teacher.

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Anon can't time travel | /r/Greentext


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Anon is a decent human... | /r/Greentext

>>772251055 (OP) # >be 15 >sister 17 WOOSH VOUHAVE Smol pener >walks out of bathroom after shower 40 KB JPG >towel hanging very loose around her body. >tell her to fasten her towel before it falls off >she nods and fastens it before walking away >i go shower and forget about it >because im not some sick degenerate like you f----. >>772251744 #
>>772251055 (OP) # >be 15 >sister 17 WOOSH VOUHAVE Smol pener >walks out of bathroom after shower 40 KB JPG >towel hanging very loose around her body. >tell her to fasten her towel before it falls off >she nods and fastens it before walking away >i go shower and forget about it >because im not some sick degenerate like you f----. >>772251744 #

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False flag attack | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 11/05/21(Fri)18:18:02 No.66039722 >be me >was supposed to go to 6 flags with my friends today >bought everyone tickets >get dressed up, and do my hair up and have been keeping my skincare routine up so i have a 74 KB JPG clear face >finally get to wear my nice clothes beyond playing dress up in the mirror >and finally can wear my hair jewelry outside >today is the day >wake up to a cancellation text signed: everyone >disappointed but oh well eat a chicken sandwich and go workout in my homegym >in between sets i see a pic posted in the discord of all of them at six flags >play crab game and delete my discord im honestly hella sad rn i genuinely dont even know why they couldnt just be honest
: Anonymous 11/05/21(Fri)18:18:02 No.66039722 >be me >was supposed to go to 6 flags with my friends today >bought everyone tickets >get dressed up, and do my hair up and have been keeping my skincare routine up so i have a 74 KB JPG clear face >finally get to wear my nice clothes beyond playing dress up in the mirror >and finally can wear my hair jewelry outside >today is the day >wake up to a cancellation text signed: everyone >disappointed but oh well eat a chicken sandwich and go workout in my homegym >in between sets i see a pic posted in the discord of all of them at six flags >play crab game and delete my discord im honestly hella sad rn i genuinely dont even know why they couldnt just be honest

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Anon gets a fedora | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 02/12/21 (Fri)22:52:19 No.146519365 >Grandfather gifted me an old fedora >lt looked so f------ cool >Decide to try it out and it fits perfectly >l even take it out in public >That train of thought of neckbeard 2 MB PNG fedora starts kicking in >F-----.mp4 >Think i'll get humiliated here >Instead everybody started calling me James Bond >Some friends now have nicknamed me James Bond >Tfw
: Anonymous 02/12/21 (Fri)22:52:19 No.146519365 >Grandfather gifted me an old fedora >lt looked so f------ cool >Decide to try it out and it fits perfectly >l even take it out in public >That train of thought of neckbeard 2 MB PNG fedora starts kicking in >F-----.mp4 >Think i'll get humiliated here >Instead everybody started calling me James Bond >Some friends now have nicknamed me James Bond >Tfw

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Anon is bad at golf | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 04/12/22(Tue)17:17:03 No.876142504 >Be me >Just started playing golf and accidentally kills a duck on the driving range >2 months in, playing on the course >Subconsciously aims for the duck that is sitting on the green 23 KB JPG >Kills the duck sitting on the green >mfw
: Anonymous 04/12/22(Tue)17:17:03 No.876142504 >Be me >Just started playing golf and accidentally kills a duck on the driving range >2 months in, playing on the course >Subconsciously aims for the duck that is sitting on the green 23 KB JPG >Kills the duck sitting on the green >mfw

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Anon is friends with Elon Musk | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 02/16/20(Sun)13:30:38 No.820823558 You come home from a crappy day of work. You unlock your door, only to see Elon standing in your living room. There's a large cardboard box next to him. >"Hey, Anon-kun. Sometimes life is full of hardships. You're a good friend, so I 155 KB JPG thought you should have this. Enjoy, buddy." He walks to you and briefly places his hand on your shoulder before taking his leave. There's a noise heard coming from inside the box. >"Nyan?"
: Anonymous 02/16/20(Sun)13:30:38 No.820823558 You come home from a crappy day of work. You unlock your door, only to see Elon standing in your living room. There's a large cardboard box next to him. >"Hey, Anon-kun. Sometimes life is full of hardships. You're a good friend, so I 155 KB JPG thought you should have this. Enjoy, buddy." He walks to you and briefly places his hand on your shoulder before taking his leave. There's a noise heard coming from inside the box. >"Nyan?"

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anon is crazy | /r/Greentext

O Anonymous 04/13/22(Wed)01:35:15 No.129933704 >>129933755 >>12 >>129939377>>129939555 >>129940060 File: batman.jpg (37 KB, 600x450) >be bruce wayne >parents get shot >become wimpy emo kid >disappear for two years >comes back f------ jacked >when he comes back the batman starts hitting gotham immediately >batman has literally never been seen with bruce wayne are you not seeing any sort of connection? O Anonymous 04/13/22(Wed)01:37:47 No.129933755 >>129934361 >>129933704 take your meds schizo
O Anonymous 04/13/22(Wed)01:35:15 No.129933704 >>129933755 >>12 >>129939377>>129939555 >>129940060 File: batman.jpg (37 KB, 600x450) >be bruce wayne >parents get shot >become wimpy emo kid >disappear for two years >comes back f------ jacked >when he comes back the batman starts hitting gotham immediately >batman has literally never been seen with bruce wayne are you not seeing any sort of connection? O Anonymous 04/13/22(Wed)01:37:47 No.129933755 >>129934361 >>129933704 take your meds schizo

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Anon doesn't think it's funny anymore | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 03/15/22(Tue)19:42:22 No.67795384 >Be kid >Use to laugh at media depictions of fat loser guys that live with their parents and spend all day on the internet >10 years later >Become that exact same person I'm not laughing anymore. 61 KB PNG 9 Replies / 2 Images View Thread
: Anonymous 03/15/22(Tue)19:42:22 No.67795384 >Be kid >Use to laugh at media depictions of fat loser guys that live with their parents and spend all day on the internet >10 years later >Become that exact same person I'm not laughing anymore. 61 KB PNG 9 Replies / 2 Images View Thread

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Anon tries posting on a subreddit | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 04/12/22(Tue)21:48:37 No.876190604 >be me >Redditor >go on a subreddit called r/interestingasfuck >decide to post a picture of the last Mughal Emperor from the 1860's, saying in the title he was the only one of them to ever be photographed ever in the 35 KB JPG history of the world Mods take it down for not being interesting >ok then. Later I post a pic of a pair of conjoined twins from the late 1800's who made a living as freak show performers Mods take it down for not being interesting >post a video of a robot making noodles on a street corner Mods take it down for not being interesting >post a pic of a f------ astronaut in space floating hundreds of feet away from his shuttle while maneuvering across the cosmos with an early jet pack s------- Mods take it down for not being interesting what the f--- do these mods find interesting then? They could see their infant son take his first steps and talk for the first time in his life immediately after and they'd just say, "so what? I already do both of those things on a daily basis." If you thought Asian parents were hard to impress, then imagine what it would be like living with these guys as your parents
: Anonymous 04/12/22(Tue)21:48:37 No.876190604 >be me >Redditor >go on a subreddit called r/interestingasfuck >decide to post a picture of the last Mughal Emperor from the 1860's, saying in the title he was the only one of them to ever be photographed ever in the 35 KB JPG history of the world Mods take it down for not being interesting >ok then. Later I post a pic of a pair of conjoined twins from the late 1800's who made a living as freak show performers Mods take it down for not being interesting >post a video of a robot making noodles on a street corner Mods take it down for not being interesting >post a pic of a f------ astronaut in space floating hundreds of feet away from his shuttle while maneuvering across the cosmos with an early jet pack s------- Mods take it down for not being interesting what the f--- do these mods find interesting then? They could see their infant son take his first steps and talk for the first time in his life immediately after and they'd just say, "so what? I already do both of those things on a daily basis." If you thought Asian parents were hard to impress, then imagine what it would be like living with these guys as your parents

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Bamboozled, eh? | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 12/16/18(Sun)01:58:13 No.787483512 >Mom died right when I was born >Grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born >Growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister >Be 17 or 18 >Notice that my sister is a hottie >Accidentally found a video that she made of herself >l thought she was so f------ beautiful that I watched it twice >Would have watched it a lot more, but crazy s--- went down and I had to leave home >At this point, totally lusting after my sister >She was also having bad trouble with the law >Actually in custody when I left home >Friend and I go to pick her up >I Just wanted to f--- her brains out >l think she had feelings for me too >Kissed me when we picked her up >Definitely WAS NOT a sisterly kiss >Friend told me he wants to get with my sister >jealous.jpg >Not much happened between me and my sister for a while >At this point, we were all wanted and moving around a lot >Serious sexual tension between my friend and sister >l get hurt badly and almost die >While in recover, sister gives me another not sisterly kiss >We spend some time apart >l get really religious, try not to think of her that way >l was totally over her >We go sailing a year later (nothing romantic) >She's in the hottest f------ bikini ever >All those feelings come back >She ends up with my friend from before >After all this, we were at a party >Sister and I were outside alone >Kill the mood by telling her that Darth Vader is our father and I have to go face him
: Anonymous 12/16/18(Sun)01:58:13 No.787483512 >Mom died right when I was born >Grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born >Growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister >Be 17 or 18 >Notice that my sister is a hottie >Accidentally found a video that she made of herself >l thought she was so f------ beautiful that I watched it twice >Would have watched it a lot more, but crazy s--- went down and I had to leave home >At this point, totally lusting after my sister >She was also having bad trouble with the law >Actually in custody when I left home >Friend and I go to pick her up >I Just wanted to f--- her brains out >l think she had feelings for me too >Kissed me when we picked her up >Definitely WAS NOT a sisterly kiss >Friend told me he wants to get with my sister >jealous.jpg >Not much happened between me and my sister for a while >At this point, we were all wanted and moving around a lot >Serious sexual tension between my friend and sister >l get hurt badly and almost die >While in recover, sister gives me another not sisterly kiss >We spend some time apart >l get really religious, try not to think of her that way >l was totally over her >We go sailing a year later (nothing romantic) >She's in the hottest f------ bikini ever >All those feelings come back >She ends up with my friend from before >After all this, we were at a party >Sister and I were outside alone >Kill the mood by telling her that Darth Vader is our father and I have to go face him

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Anon finds a reason to live | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 10/04/21(Mon)19:26:15 No.864396347 hqdefault.jpg 23 KB JPG >be me >thinking of killing myself >realise if I kill myself then nikado avocado will have outlived me. >Continue to live
: Anonymous 10/04/21(Mon)19:26:15 No.864396347 hqdefault.jpg 23 KB JPG >be me >thinking of killing myself >realise if I kill myself then nikado avocado will have outlived me. >Continue to live

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Anon writes a research paper | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 11/28/18(Wed)15:40:36 No.49549340 >accidentally submitted the wrong version of my paper on Rwandan genocide >was a version I fooled around in >the word 'genocide' replaced with 'kiddy slide' 76 KB JPG >includes lines like 'The Rwandan Kiddy Slide had a death toll of around 800,000 people' >tfw too late to resubmit what do i do did this ever happen to you guys
: Anonymous 11/28/18(Wed)15:40:36 No.49549340 >accidentally submitted the wrong version of my paper on Rwandan genocide >was a version I fooled around in >the word 'genocide' replaced with 'kiddy slide' 76 KB JPG >includes lines like 'The Rwandan Kiddy Slide had a death toll of around 800,000 people' >tfw too late to resubmit what do i do did this ever happen to you guys

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It's just a prank bro | /r/Greentext

Anonymous (ID: 3/Ea54yl) 08/19/13(Mon)17:21:01 No.500877118 >>500875189 (OP) # >Be senior in highschool >Want to pull senior prank with buddy >Head to senior parking lot night before school >Put an orange traffic cone in the middle of a parking spot and fill it with quick set cement >Think: Hahaaha this will be funny when the teachers cant move the cone lolol >Friend and I head home for the night. >Now I wasnt there to see it, but apparently this happened: Cue next morning and students are arriving for school. >Senior dushbag in his dad's 100,000USD Audi come flying into the parking lot. >Dbag tells friends to watch him "drift" around the cone >Dbag completely f---- up and slams into cone at 45 ish mph >Me and my friend's carpool gets there about 5 - 8 minutes after this >Parts of the Audi all over the parking lot, bumper is destroyed, the engine is smoking, and rear driver side tire is flat >Friend and I just keep walking past the crying kid >swear to secrecy >MFW Highschool was so long ago I dont give a f---
Anonymous (ID: 3/Ea54yl) 08/19/13(Mon)17:21:01 No.500877118 >>500875189 (OP) # >Be senior in highschool >Want to pull senior prank with buddy >Head to senior parking lot night before school >Put an orange traffic cone in the middle of a parking spot and fill it with quick set cement >Think: Hahaaha this will be funny when the teachers cant move the cone lolol >Friend and I head home for the night. >Now I wasnt there to see it, but apparently this happened: Cue next morning and students are arriving for school. >Senior dushbag in his dad's 100,000USD Audi come flying into the parking lot. >Dbag tells friends to watch him "drift" around the cone >Dbag completely f---- up and slams into cone at 45 ish mph >Me and my friend's carpool gets there about 5 - 8 minutes after this >Parts of the Audi all over the parking lot, bumper is destroyed, the engine is smoking, and rear driver side tire is flat >Friend and I just keep walking past the crying kid >swear to secrecy >MFW Highschool was so long ago I dont give a f---

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Anon trolled himself | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 04/13/22(Wed)00:16:14 No.68191265 >started nofap to improve my routine and be more energetic >do it for a year or so >inb4 got promoted at the job >also i got prostate cancer now 53 KB JPG Don't fall for the bait...
: Anonymous 04/13/22(Wed)00:16:14 No.68191265 >started nofap to improve my routine and be more energetic >do it for a year or so >inb4 got promoted at the job >also i got prostate cancer now 53 KB JPG Don't fall for the bait...

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Anon has seen it all. | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 07/12/18(Thu)22:46:24 No.774164138 Work stories thread? Work stories thread. >Be me. Aged/Disability care worker. >All sorts of old f------ in my care 6 KB JPG home, but I mostly deal with dementia patients. >God damned goofy bastard dementia patients >One little old bastard must've been a boy when the dinosaurs were still around >Literally old as dirt. >We learn from his family that he had a little black dog back in the 40's. >Dog's name was N-----. >F------ wish I was making this s--- up. >Old bastard still thinks he's living at home in the 40's with N-----. >Constantly walks around the facility asking all the staff if we've seen N-----. >Walks around yelling out N----- as loud as his old lungs can manage. >Find out this morning we've got a new staff member coming on board next week. >They're dark skinned (not sure actual heritage but still) Looking forward to how this plays out /b/ros. View Thread
: Anonymous 07/12/18(Thu)22:46:24 No.774164138 Work stories thread? Work stories thread. >Be me. Aged/Disability care worker. >All sorts of old f------ in my care 6 KB JPG home, but I mostly deal with dementia patients. >God damned goofy bastard dementia patients >One little old bastard must've been a boy when the dinosaurs were still around >Literally old as dirt. >We learn from his family that he had a little black dog back in the 40's. >Dog's name was N-----. >F------ wish I was making this s--- up. >Old bastard still thinks he's living at home in the 40's with N-----. >Constantly walks around the facility asking all the staff if we've seen N-----. >Walks around yelling out N----- as loud as his old lungs can manage. >Find out this morning we've got a new staff member coming on board next week. >They're dark skinned (not sure actual heritage but still) Looking forward to how this plays out /b/ros. View Thread

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Anon made a friend. | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 04/12/22(Tue)22:16:39 No.876186308 >be me, wageslave still living with parents >get dragged to backyard bbq at parents' friends house >browsing /b/ on my phone when host brings her grandson over to 220 KB PNG meet me >kid is like 9 or 10 years old >"He likes video games too! Maybe you guys can talk shop!" >he just sits there, eyeing me nervously >not sure what else to say, I ask if he likes Roblox >kid proceeds to talk about Roblox nonstop for the next three f------ hours >l just sit there and get progressively more f----- up on cheap bourbon while half-listening to me >wake up the next morning, hungover as s--- >see texts from the kids mom on my phone, thanking me for being so nice to him >apparently the kid won't stop talking about his cool new friend >MFW I just wanted to stay home and shitpost
: Anonymous 04/12/22(Tue)22:16:39 No.876186308 >be me, wageslave still living with parents >get dragged to backyard bbq at parents' friends house >browsing /b/ on my phone when host brings her grandson over to 220 KB PNG meet me >kid is like 9 or 10 years old >"He likes video games too! Maybe you guys can talk shop!" >he just sits there, eyeing me nervously >not sure what else to say, I ask if he likes Roblox >kid proceeds to talk about Roblox nonstop for the next three f------ hours >l just sit there and get progressively more f----- up on cheap bourbon while half-listening to me >wake up the next morning, hungover as s--- >see texts from the kids mom on my phone, thanking me for being so nice to him >apparently the kid won't stop talking about his cool new friend >MFW I just wanted to stay home and shitpost

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Anon loses a friend | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 02/15/21(Mon)07:28:43 No.59865312 File: pain.jpg (165 KB, 1024x962) >>59865252 # >used to live in small b------ nowhere village >everyone had cats there, got pretty comfy with them >move back to city with family >don't know anyone and pretty autistic >dark times >cat in neighborhood scratches my window one day >let her in >we become friends, talk about s----- life >few weeks later >no cat >hear from my mother that the neighbors put down their cat >it was my friend, they didn't have time for it That s--- was hard.
Anonymous 02/15/21(Mon)07:28:43 No.59865312 File: pain.jpg (165 KB, 1024x962) >>59865252 # >used to live in small b------ nowhere village >everyone had cats there, got pretty comfy with them >move back to city with family >don't know anyone and pretty autistic >dark times >cat in neighborhood scratches my window one day >let her in >we become friends, talk about s----- life >few weeks later >no cat >hear from my mother that the neighbors put down their cat >it was my friend, they didn't have time for it That s--- was hard.

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